THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Jordanian-born terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi issued a sternly-worded message in the wake of presidential campaign rhetoric suggesting that either George W. Bush or Barack Obama founded ISIS.
"Look, I got really upset at Obama when he made those 'you didn't build that' comments, since, contrary to what that Kuffar thinks, I did, in fact, build AQI," Zarqawi said. "But this is a direct challenge on my ISIS bonafides. Just look at the founding documents with the Iraqi secretary of state's office, for Allah's sake."
"I worked hard throughout my life to build a new terrorist organization from the ground up," said Zarqawi, who founded Jama'a al-Tawid al-Jihad before renaming the group al-Qaeda in Iraq, which eventually became the terrorist group known as "ISIS" years after Zarqawi's death in a 2006 airstrike.
"Which is why it's infuriating to see Bush and Obama get all the credit for founding it!"
Zarqawi, a former petty criminal and alleged pimp, took issue with remarks made by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, who has said in recent days that President Obama was the founder of ISIS, with Hillary Clinton as its cofounder. Instead, Zarqawi explained in no uncertain terms that he did, in fact, found ISIS.
"Look, I get that Bush kind of made it easy for me to find recruits among the tens of thousands of former Ba'ath officers who suddenly found themselves unemployed. But founding al-Qaeda in Iraq? I take credit for that."
Zarqawi acknowledged the difficulty in training suicide bombers, establishing arms caches, and precipitating a ghastly civil war between Sunni and Shia which would eventually kill tens of thousands of Iraqis.
"I mean, let's be fair, I do get by with a little help from my friends. All those weapons from Hillary Clinton and Petraeus that were supposed to go to 'moderate' rebels? What a laugh. And we'd especially like to thank Barack Obama and George W. Bush for agreeing to the Status of Forces Agreement. And let's not forget my special friend, Bashar al-Assad, whose rein of terror helped contribute to our comeback tour in 2014."
"But to claim Bush and Obama founded ISIS? That's almost as bad as the time you gave the Jews credit for 9/11."