NEW YORK, NY - Late last night the Onion News Network editorial offices were rocked by a surprise attack from masked gunmen assaulting from helicopters. Witnesses reported two UH-60 Blackhawks hovering over the building with approximately fifteen personnel fast roping down, sweeping the building, kicking in doors, and clearing room to room.

Jim Thomas, an insurance broker who works at a building across from The Onion, was working late and saw the series of events unfold.

“It was unreal. I saw the helicopters and thought it was just a military exercise or something. Then some guys jumped out. Next thing I knew they were in the building and I saw flashes from guns and grenades.”