TOPEKA, KS – On the same day that Fred Phelps’ body was found rotting in a chair in his upstairs office, members of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church announced that they would be picketing his upcoming funeral.
Phelps, born November 13, 1929, was the leader of the church — an organization that practices a strange, anti-homosexual version of Christianity that has been known to protest at celebrity and military funerals.
The pastor’s daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, was the first to discover the 83-year-old’s body.
“We haven’t brought dad out to very many protests for a few years now,” said Phelps-Roper. “In fact, it’s been quite a while since even we had seen him. Once he starts on a marathon of old Growing Pains episodes, we just leave him alone until he comes down.”
“He always loved Kirk Cameron,” she added.
Judging by the smell and decomposition of the body, officials from the coroner’s office say that Pastor Phelps’ probably died at least six months ago. There wasn’t any sign of foul play, but they did report that the television was still playing, and appeared to be “scrambled up 80s pornography.”
“I think I saw boob in there,” said Davis Shields, one of the coroner officials on the scene. “But with this stuff, there’s really no way to be sure.”
Some members of the Westboro Baptist Church were hoping to cover up their oversight.
“We’ve just been so busy with all these funerals against all the fag-enablers,” said Jakob Phelps. “But since granddad died and this is a huge embarrassment, I was thinking that maybe we could sort of, prop him up and put some makeup on him to still make him look alive, like Weekend at Bernie’s.”
“Oh really? You want to put makeup on him? You must be a fag sent from hell,” said Phelps-Roper. “Get the hell out of here! God will punish you!”
Despite some disagreement, most of the members of Westboro say they will be proud to “do the Lord’s work.”
“It’s quite obvious that this is God’s message to us. God hates fags, he kills fags, and dad just died,” said Phelps-Roper. “He must have been a fag.”
Church members usually protest military funerals with signs that demonstrate God’s punishment on the United States for “supporting homosexuals.” These usually include messages like “Thank God for IED’s” and “Soldiers Die For Fag Marriage.”
The death of Fred Phelps, apparently from natural causes, means the reasoning within the church is now shifting.
“I’m putting together a sign here for when we protest the demonic Fred Phelps fag,” said daughter Eleanor Phelps. “It says ‘Thank God For You Dying In Your Sleep.'”
Church members went on to show other signs they were preparing for future protests, including “Thank God For Car Crashes,” “God Punishes Fags With Diabetes,” and “Homo Sex = Cardiovascular Disease.”
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