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Facing Mass Layoffs, Taliban Protest US Sequester

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Mullah Omar
Mullah Omar took to the media to offer harsh bipartisan criticism.

QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar.

In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group’s supreme leader: “I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the Holy Poppy Fields, Rocker of the Casbah, Sultan of Swing …”

After several minutes Zabibullah was able to read the actual contents of the statement, where the Taliban leader addressed what he referred to as the “dire consequences” if Congress fails to resolve the sequestration issue:

“Peace be upon you, American infidels. As you are aware, because of your inability to pass a simple budget, you are facing up to $40 billion in defense cuts for your fiscal year 2013,” Zabibullah read. “While we are totally fine with these cuts devastating your military and economy, there will also be some catastrophic consequences for us as well.”

“Half our budget comes from skimming off your operations in Afghanistan. Without hard American dollars, hundreds of Taliban fighters will be laid off over the coming year and forced onto the streets to beg like common women.”

Omar’s statement was rather apocalyptic at the consequences of the automatic budget cuts: “With the money we have, we will barely be able to bribe members of the [Pakistani] Frontier Corps!”

When asked about the Taliban’s statement, White House spokesman Jay Carney was blunt. “This is more proof that it is not just the American people who want strong action on President Obama’s deficit reduction program, but also the people of Afghanistan as well. Because they understand that these cuts will impact the whole world.”

Others thought Mullah Omar’s statement was overblown. Conservatives in particular believe that Mullah Omar is using fuzzy math.

“Even if the sequester goes into effect, the federal budget for this year will still be larger than last year’s,” Grover Norquist of Americans For Tax Reform told Duffel Blog. “But the Taliban are telling the American people that unless government gets an even bigger raise, they’re not going to be able to conduct as many attacks as they normally do. I think that’s just disgraceful. The Haqqani Network and Gulbuddin Hekmatyar receive much less funding but conduct twice as many attacks: more proof that smaller government works.”

“Why go through all the grief of having the Taliban extort us when we can simply give the money directly to the Karzai government and the Taliban can extort it from them?” asked Malou Innocent, a foreign policy analyst at the CATO Institute.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) tried to strike a balance, contending it was Taliban spending that was truly to blame.

“These are false choices. We are faced with the negative effects of the sequester because the Taliban have not been able to take even the smallest step towards controlling spending. If they simply budgeted the runoff from our waste, we wouldn’t be having this debate. They need to stop pretending this is some kind of campaign for giving zakat. It’s going to be wasted on jihad, pure and simple.”

Zabibullah was not taking the criticism laying down.

“It’s the U.S. who cannot pass the budget,” he told reporters in a Q&A session following the statement. “They and they alone are to blame for our troubles. Our salaries will be cut almost in half. New recruits will be furloughed indefinitely, effective on 1 March. I do not know how this Jew [Cantor] thinks we run jihad, but zakat is for zakat, nothing else!”

As of Wednesday the government remained deadlocked and neither the Taliban, nor Washington remained optimistic.

“The Republicans in Congress need to learn to moderate themselves,” Zabibullah said. “There are two kinds of people I can’t stand: extremists and Jews.”

“This is what you get, when you stray from the sharia,” warned Zabibullah, “fiscal insolvency.”

Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report.

News

Marvel’s “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” loses $5.6 trillion in first 18 years

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LOS ANGELES — Marvel Studios announced today their most recent film “War on Terror: No Endgame in Sight” has bombed badly with an estimated loss of $5.6 trillion since opening 18 years ago.

Hollywood reporters were shocked at the poor box office performance. Dan Wakeford, People Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, vividly remembers “how excited everyone was about this project from 2001-2003. But, the public lost interest quickly once they realized how long it would run. As a result, the media also had to start ignoring the ‘War on Terror’ around 2008.”

None of the cast have stepped forward to assume responsibility for failing to win the audience’s hearts and minds. Cast member Stanley McChrystal offered a signed copy of his memoir to this reporter in lieu of on-the-record comments when approached. A-lister David Petraeus released a statement that he was still “All In” and committed to working intimately with junior staff members despite the film’s poor returns.

Notably absent from the “War on Terror” red carpet premiere, was former President George W. Bush, whose initial passion for the film was said to be hot enough to melt steel beams.

Marvel Studios CEO Isaac Perlmutter is optimistic despite the bad news.

“I expect we will recoup our losses eventually, as we plan to leave this movie in theater forever,” he said.

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Hippie Taliban defector gets so stoned

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LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today.

“Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds before being stoned to death by his compatriots. “Like, did you ever think, what if we’re the bad guys and the Americans are the good guys? Or what if we’re actually both the good guys but we just don’t understand each other? Like, whoa. Damn, I’m so high.”

While many of Khan’s fellow insurgents empathize with his desire to reject the establishment and live a life of “free love and groovy tunes,” departing the Taliban to pursue an independent and off-the-grid lifestyle comes with its costs.

“Brother, I’ve got mad respect for Ahmad and everything he’s trying to do by sticking it to the man. I went through a bit of a ‘free spirit’ phase myself when I was younger,” said fellow Taliban fighter Muhammed Tarklani. “But we’re totally going to have to stone him to death. I mean, you can’t just leave the Taliban to go get high and listen to music.”

Khan’s parents attempted to convince the Taliban that he was going through a phase, and that within a few months they would make sure he finishes his classes at Berkeley and gets a job at his father’s law firm.

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Navy

“Don’t worry, this chapter of my book will be awesome” SEAL tells dying teammate

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A Navy SEAL reassured a teammate dying from multiple gunshot wounds that this portion of his book would be “awesome,” sources confirmed today.

“This is awesome. I’m talking about this on every stop of my book tour. No way I don’t hit the bestseller lists after this,” Chief Petty Officer Brian Costanza told his fellow SEAL, Petty Officer 3rd Class Chet Steel, who was gasping his last breaths.

As the MEDEVAC helicopter departed with his teammate’s corpse, Costanza jotted down plot points and significant details about the incident to use in “Triumph of the Will: A Navy SEAL’s Journey Through Syria.”

Costanza said he was thrilled to have a significant emotional hurdle to add to the main character arc in the yet-to-be published memoir, but he faced backlash from some of his surviving teammates for the way he handled the incident.

“Don’t get me wrong. Brick is a great guy,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Slade Paragon.“But I think it’s bullshit that he immediately claimed the incident for himself. Yeah, Chet died in his arms, but I was the one pulling security while he bled out. If anything, the trauma I suffered would make for a much more compelling chapter in my own book, ‘This Noble Warrior’s Creed.’ It’s just selfish.”

Petty Officer 2nd Class Chad Brogan, who outed himself on MSNBC shortly after receiving deployment orders to Syria, was also critical of Costanza’s decision.

“At the very least, he should have checked with the rest of the team so we could compare narratives,” Brogan said. “How would it look if all our books had similar chapters detailing Chet’s horrific death and our emotional journeys of recovery? People would think we’re assholes.”

Brogan said he now has to figure out a new anecdote to lead into his monologue about the terrible cost of war during chapter 9 of his book “The Trident Bleeds in Valhalla.”

Costanza was dismissive when asked about his teammates’ objections.

“These cherry fucks just like to complain,” he said. “My first book, ‘Uncommon Men-More Uncommon Valor,’ was published when they were still in BUDS, so I think I know a little more about narrative and plot structure than they do. Besides, what better way to honor Chet’s death than to have the most experienced writer on the team profit immensely by describing it in visceral detail?”

The remaining members of the team eventually agreed to let Constanza use the “death sequence” for his upcoming book. In exchange, they all received co-author credit for helping complete Steel’s posthumous memoir “Unkillable: The Sweet Rush of Combat.”

The SEALs chose to honor their fallen comrade’s memory by announcing that .5 percent of all book royalties will go to Steel’s widow Rhonda and their three young daughters.

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Army

Forward observer’s bracket ‘totally screwed’ after first round

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KHOST, Afghanistan — A U.S. Army forward observer’s bracket is “totally screwed” after only the first round, sources confirmed today.

Bracketing is a common practice among casual observers and almost exclusively occurs in the post-winter months after the hangover of football season dissipates and the snow recedes. This period is often called “March Madness” or the “fighting season.”

Sgt. Andrew Shelbet hoped to win fame, glory, and $110 with his bracket, but he knew it was a lost cause after the first round.

“I tried to adjust fire on a bunch of Taliban in the open, but the first round went way over my head, then over the enemy, and then over a goddamn ridgeline,” said Shelbet. “It was totally fucked. I couldn’t even bare the impact of the second round.”

Shelbet tried to hide his embarrassment by claiming to be a disinterested observer.

“Look, I only do like one bracket a year, and I don’t even bother with the rest of the season. Most of the year, I’m totally dedicated to my fantasy football team, the Big Dick Fisters,” he said.

Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Army Staff Sgt. Zeke “Lion” Williamson, currently deployed with the 82nd Airborne in Helmand province, has maintained a perfect bracket during this year’s March Madness.

Curiously, the NCAA and Vegas insiders have expressed interest in Williamson and his bracket.

“They contacted me asking for proof of my perfect bracket, so I sent them the drone footage,” said Williamson. “It was fucking sick. Two rounds of adjusting fire, then fire for effect, motherfuckers! Guts went flying everywhere. I estimated at least 12 enemy KIA. Perfect bracket.”

Williamson now faces UCMJ action for releasing the footage, but maintains it was “totally worth it to give the world a perfect bracket.”

Shelbet, on the other hand, has been disinvited from his unit’s 2020 bracket pool.

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Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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American wife of ISIS militant uses power of attorney to empty husband’s bank account while he is deployed

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AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter.

“He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” Nour explained. “Luckily, he gave me a power of attorney at his Mujahideen Brigade’s legal stand down before they left, so I helped myself to all of his riyals.”

When she met her husband in the comment section of an Anwar al-Awlaki video, she never imagined that things would turn out this way.

“At first when we started chatting, things were pretty casual. But before long, we were talking every day and sending each other cute beheading videos,” she remembered with a smile. “He asked if I would fly to Turkey, sneak across the Syrian border with a human trafficker sympathetic to ISIS, and marry him. Of course I said yes. Who wouldn’t fall for a romantic gesture like that?”

But, before long, their relationship soured. Nour was horrified when the man she’d known and loved turned out to have a dark side. She “had always thought he was one of those kind, gentle, and responsible ISIS fighters.” She was shocked when he became abusive towards her.

“I thought he only did terrible things to Kurds, Shiites, westerners, and people who listen to music in public. I never imagined he’d turn on me,” Nour siad. The final straw was when he spent half their savings on a used Toyota Hi-Luxe with 20 percent APR payments without consulting her right before he deployed.

Nour was out of options. With nothing but the clothes on her back and every last cent of her former husband’s money, she packed up and walked out of the caliphate. If she ever makes it back to the U.S., she plans on leveraging the kitchen experience she picked up cooking at a variety of safe houses to land a saleswoman job with Pampered Chef.

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Army

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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