Facing Mass Layoffs, Taliban Protest US Sequester

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Mullah Omar took to the media to offer harsh bipartisan criticism.

QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar.

In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group's supreme leader: "I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the Holy Poppy Fields, Rocker of the Casbah, Sultan of Swing ..."

After several minutes Zabibullah was able to read the actual contents of the statement, where the Taliban leader addressed what he referred to as the "dire consequences" if Congress fails to resolve the sequestration issue:

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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