TAMPA, FL – Four-star General James Mattis held a press conference at MacDill Air Force Base today to announce his early retirement from the Marine Corps to search for the Spear of Destiny.

Reached for comment outside his office at MacDill, surrounded by staff members clutching paperwork and demanding his signature, General Mattis calmly told Duffel Blog reporters, "This is a very important issue and obviously I will be discussing it in great detail." He then ducked into his office and quickly slammed the door.

General Mattis was later observed sneaking out a side window at Central Command, carrying his trademarked fedora hat and bullwhip. Inside sources say that he was already en route to an archaeological dig site outside of Budapest, where the Spear was last rumored to be.

He was accompanied by Dr. Arati Prabhakar, director of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), her pet monkey and an adorable wisecracking Chinese orphan Mattis found in Iraq several years ago.