WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was awarded fifteen days restriction for taking the Pentagon’s duty van on an unauthorized late night beer run, according to officials.

“We were in the barracks knocking a few back,” General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told Duffel Blog. “We ran out of beer. Hagel jumped up and shouted ’it’s 11:45, we can make it! I’m duty driver, let’s take the van!’”

“I got a call about a white van doing burnouts and trying to drift,” said Officer David Farmer of D.C. Metro Police. “I saw the van swerving and going 65 in a 30. Wouldn’t you know it, it had government plates. The second I saw that I knew there had to be a dumbass E-2 behind the wheel. I pull him over and it turned out it was the SECDEF.”