WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. military officials confirmed Monday that the entire U.S. defense network was briefly disabled last week by an Iranian computer virus that infects military computers and then runs nonstop pornography on them.
Rumors of the Iranian virus, dubbed ‘Suxnet’ by members of the U.S. military, have been circulating since as early as 2001, when the U.S. first began large-scale troop deployments to the Middle East.
Officials familiar with the virus said it was extremely aggressive, thoroughly penetrating military computers before it was detected.
“We were in the middle of a totally routine day,” said Gen. James McConville, commander of the 101st Airborne Division, “when all of a sudden every monitor in our Tactical Operations Center started displaying hardcore porn. We all just sort of stopped what we were doing … then broke off in a mad-dash to the porta-johns, shower trailers, broom closets, EO offices, etcetera.”
Patrols outside the wire reported a similar communications blackout.
“All of a sudden the comms just started playing this moaning sound again and again,” said Sergeant Sam Matthews. “Our Afghan counterparts were confused about what it was until we said it was a woman. Unfortunately we then had to smash our radio since they were too busy trying to hump it to do anything else.”
According to Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, the computer virus is the most serious one to hit U.S. defense networks since a 1983 piece of tic-tac-toe playing malware nearly started World War III. He praised the Air Force — the service least impacted by the shutdown — for taking the preventive measure of deleting all pornography off its work computers and finding more appropriate outlets for their sexual tension.
Hagel also vowed that instead of a “Cyber Pearl Harbor”, the incident would become a “Cyber Afghanistan”: a long conflict that would quickly be forgotten by the general public.
Some network security specialists have their doubts that the virus actually came from Iran. One high-level intelligence source believes it might actually be China or Russia.
“We’ve known for a long time the Russians were in bed with Big Porn,” said the individual. “In exchange for exclusive distribution rights in Russia, the porn industry allows the Russian military to use their websites to infect users’ computers with hidden spyware. Many slow-running military computers have actually been found with Russian military porn deep inside their hard drives.”
He spoke on condition of anonymity. He did allow Duffel Blog to reveal that he’s a fifteen year veteran of the CIA’s Russia desk with brown curly hair and a large mustache.
Another source from the Naval Criminal Investigative Service said she believes the virus actually originated from the laptop of a Marine Private First Class at Camp Lejeune in Barracks 3002.
After a particularly disturbing episode of drinking, coupled with downloading numerous videos from pornography related sites, the Marine started ‘drunk emailing’ his entire chain of command, which may have started the virus’ spread.
While the virus’ creators may still be anonymous, some of America’s enemies are already praising the attack. The Lebanese group Hezbollah released a statement claiming, “Like a dog, the Great Satan will soon run away from the Middle East with his hands between his legs.”
They then requested a copy of the virus be uploaded to their computer network so they could “better study its capabilities and effects.”