WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events in light of the Supreme Court striking down parts of the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional, the entire United States military has confirmed they are all gay.
“I can’t tell you what an unbelievable day this is,” said Specialist Jim Ruckers. “Even with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repealed, I wasn’t comfortable telling anyone. But after today, I came out, got a boyfriend two hours later and now we’re getting married!”
Millions of service-members have flocked to county courthouses across the country to register, in light of the decision to allow gay couples to marry and receive federal benefits. Most however, stood awkwardly in line with their hands in their pockets, avoiding eye contact with each other.
“I’m very happy with my decision,” said Staff Sergeant Tim Conway. “My life partner wasn’t as thrilled so I told him, ‘Look Private, do you want a new Xbox or not?'”
Conway glanced nervously around him. “Uh, that’s my way of saying, I love you.”
Many throughout the military fear public backlash from opponents to the decision and have refrained from showing public displays of affection.
“Oh no, we’d never do PDA,” said Capt. John Stevens. “Actually, we’ve never even held hands in private because we’re saving ourselves for marriage. But we are taking precautions to prevent harassment. Instead of wearing wedding rings, we decided to buy each other brand new Rolex watches.”
Critics of the high court’s decision believe same-sex marriages will allow abuse of the system, where certain benefits are given to married couples over singles.
“It’s offensive anyone would question our motives,” said Sergeant Doug Gray, in a heated phone interview. “Our bond was forged in a war. We’re more than brothers, we’re life partners. Now if you please excuse me, I have to pick my husband up at the BMW dealership.”
Duffel Blog spent the afternoon with one happy couple after they purchased their first home together.
“Being single privates in the army, we were forced to live in different barracks,” said Private Chris Manning. “But since we’re married, we get to live off post together. We shared a foxhole, now we share a home.”
“Come on down here,” yelled Private Manning’s new husband. “I have something for you, Private Honeybun.”
Manning said he’d be right down and jumped off the roof into an Olympic sized swimming pool.
At press time, they had met in the shallow end where they toasted their new life with a bottle of Courvoisier.