BASKING RIDGE, NJ — In the wake of leaked disclosures of the National Security Agency spying inside the U.S., hundreds of domestic terrorists have cancelled their cell phone service from Verizon, according to company officials.
The hemorrhage marks the most significant switch in consumer loyalty since LeBron James signed with the Miami Heat in 2010.
“This is bullshit,” decried Ahmed Farazeen, a prolific member of an unnamed sleeper cell based in New York City and former Verizon customer. “I’m an American citizen! This is outright criminal.”
Many other domestic terrorists share Farazeen’s sentiment, blowing up the Twittersphere with outraged tweets ranging from, “ACLU [American Civil Liberties Union] here we come!” to “Can you hear me now? No, you can’t, because you’re all fucking dead.”
Disgruntled customers have rallied under the banner #deathtoverizon to stress how serious they are, and Farazeen proudly announced that his own Tweet of angst had 3.6 million retweets at press time.
Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, applauded both the NSA leaker and the wronged members of domestic terror cells for “standing up and doing what’s right.”
“Also, the increased traffic on my site is always welcome,” Assange admitted.
Spokesmen for AT&T and T-Mobile both agreed that while the leak is most unfortunate for their competitor, the influx of new customers is well-received.
“We’re always happy to reel in a fresh catch. We even set up some of these guys with our Small Business plan for their grassroot organizations. We’re all about helping out the little guy,” said AT&T representative Doug Lilliput.
Director of National Intelligence James Clapper seemed hardly put off by the trending ire directed at his agency and commercial cohort.
“You know, I love living in the age of the empowered consumer, but we’ll just do the same thing with the other [wireless] carriers. These guys are still fucked.”
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.