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Public Affairs Sergeant Executed For Not Capitalizing Marine In Press Release

QUANTICO, VA — After failing to capitalize Marine in an official media release, a Public Affairs sergeant was verbally reprimanded and publicly executed Friday before a crowd of spectators outside the Marine Corps Museum, officials report.

Sgt. Nathan Samuelson, 24, of Richmond, Va., was fired upon by his former comrades as jeers erupted from onlookers. First Sergeants were standing by to scream in Samuelson’s face after the 21-gun-punishment was concluded.

“You have failed me for the last time, sergeant,” said Capt. Brian Darth before firing the final volley.

The correction came after Samuelson uploaded a media release to the official Marine Corps website weeks ago. Writing about a change of command at 1st Marine Division, he opened, “hundreds of marines watched as Lt. Col. William Moore exchanged the colors with Lt. Col. Anthony Brown.”

“Samuelson was a good Marine up to this point,” said Staff Sgt. Ian Andrews, his immediate supervisor. “But rules are rules. I mean, who is this guy to just come along, write out Marine in lowercase and spit on the American flag?”

Marine Corps officials told Duffel Blog that failing to capitalize Marine falls under Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice — carrying possible punishment of public flogging, banishment, forced ritual suicide, or public execution.

One spokesman said the sergeant received “a rather light punishment” for such a heinous crime. “We’re all about upholding our standards,” said Capt. Ethan Chambers. “And as Marines we know we have a duty to maintain good order, discipline, and most importantly: our image.”

At press time, Samuelson’s lifeless body was taken to the brig at Marine Corps Base Quantico to serve out the remainder of a mandatory 30-year prison sentence.

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