Anthony Weiner Selected As Air Force Sexual Assault Prevention Chief

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Weiner discusses the dangers of sexual assault, and mentors troops on how to better hide their indiscretions.

ARLINGTON, VA – The Air Force announced Wednesday they had selected former Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner as the top civilian at the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response (SAPR) office.

The disgraced former U.S. Representative from New York’s 9th Congressional district was chosen after an exhaustive and expensive search because, according to the unit’s director Maj. General Margaret Woodward, “he seemed like a great fit for the position.”

Woodward explained that to combat sexual assault one needs to think like a sexual deviant — as other SAPR chiefs have done — and with Weiner, she thinks she has her man.

Aside from being named Weiner, the former Congressman earned his infamous reputation in 2011 after sending up to six women sexually explicit photos and messages, one of them via his Twitter account. “My misdeeds are in the past,” Weiner said, with reporters noticing a horrible bulge in his pants. “I am looking to make a positive impact in an area I’ve cared about for a long time.”



The dynamic sexual assault duo of Weiner and Woodward are now faced with the daunting prospect of changing a chauvinistic culture in the Air Force that glorifies sexual victories and the subjugation of women. When asked about this culture, Weiner explained that he has a unique viewpoint from which to attack the problem. “I expect to be very hands on,” said Weiner, “I want to get out, meet all of those Air Force girls, and let them know that they are not alone.”

The Department of Defense has long been plagued with public and embarrassing events involving sexual assault going as far back as the 1991 Tailhook scandal.

However, 2013 has proven to be a banner year in sexual assault starting when two airmen were given clemency by generals in their chain of command after being convicted of sexual assault. Soon after, among other scandals, the SAPR chiefs at Fort Hood and Fort Campbell were disciplined for sexual infraction.

In fact, Woodward filled the vacancy as the SAPR director after her predecessor Lt. Col. Jeffery Krusinski allegedly groped a woman in the Pentagon parking lot while under the influence of alcohol.

Many sexual assault advocates feel that Woodward was under the influence of alcohol when choosing Weiner as her right hand man, claiming that this is just one more example of the Air Force not taking sexual crimes seriously.

“Weiner has an extensive background in public service,” said Woodward, “and I look forward to working with him and continuing his ongoing research of sexual deviancy.”

Mary Hill of the National Center for Sexual Assault disagrees with the choice.

“While Weiner didn’t break laws, the Air Force shows a basic lack of common sense with this selection,” said Hill.

When asked if the appointment would negatively affect his chances of being elected to mayor of New York City, Weiner told reporters it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as when “the rest of the goddamn texts come out.”

At press time, Weiner was seen on the Brazzers website searching for “military” and “backdoor in uniform” to get a better feel for military culture.

Frederick Benteen

American by birth, terminal Captain by the grace of God.