George Zimmerman Tracks Down Joseph Kony, Executes Him
GULU, UGANDA — Two weeks after George Zimmerman was found not guilty in the murder of Trayvon Martin, the former neighborhood watch captain has turned up in Uganda after allegedly gunning down a “suspicious-looking” African warlord, sources confirmed today.
“Between killing a kid and saving a family, I was getting a lot of press,” confessed Zimmerman. “No one gives a shit about Africa except Bono and hipsters. I figured I’d be able to lay low.”
While out for a stroll on Sunday evening, Zimmerman spotted Joseph Kony, the rebel leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) that has terrorized the citizens of Uganda for more than 25 years. The group garnered national attention when a bunch of white college students called for Kony’s arrest by volunteering the U.S. military for the job through a sweet film with chill music.
“Look, I don’t go looking for trouble,” Zimmerman explained. “But there were some people walking around the village who looked suspicious. I was forced to take a stand.”
A Special Forces Captain whose name is being withheld for security reasons explained things differently.
“I swear every other day I’d have this guy running into my hooch yelling about how somebody looked suspicious. Usually, it was just some villager walking home. Guy is a total asshole.”
Despite the captain’s remarks, Zimmerman’s suspicions led him straight to Kony.
“I knew it was him,” Zimmerman told reporters. “He looked really suspicious you know? He was just walking around, wearing a camouflage hoodie, raping women and looking into huts for children he could enslave.”
Still, some say Zimmerman was profiling Kony, especially since the behavior he described is common in Africa. “Everyone does that here,” explained Moses Hersi, a local villager. “It’s practically the national pastime.”
“So, I see Zimmerman running at me like a maniac,” the Special Forces captain said. “He’s yelling about how he’s ‘got this fucking punk’. We asked him to wait till we could assess the situation but he just took off running.”
When Special Forces arrived, Zimmerman was calmly standing over Kony’s lifeless body. Asked what had happened, Zimmerman said, “Look every action I took was in direct compliance with Uganda’s ‘Stand Your Ground Laws’. I calmly pulled my sidearm, and after putting Kony on his knees. I shot him in the head. I was well within my rights.”
Back at the White House, President Obama reflected on the tragedy.
“You know, had I grown up in Kenya instead of Hawaii, which is totally where I grew up by the way, this could have been me,” Obama said. “35 years ago, I could have been kidnapped by Joseph Kony — or I could have been Joseph Kony, kidnapping children.”
In Africa, the backlash from the shooting has spread throughout the region. Across the Democratic Republic of the Congo, hundreds of 30-year-old men have been seen wearing shirts reading “We are all Joseph Kony.”
Once again, the resulting unrest has forced Zimmerman to move. And a “Justice For Kony” movement has sprung up among confused American college activists who are unsure of how to handle the news of Kony’s murder.
At press time, George Zimmerman once again came out of hiding as he saved a family of four when their rickshaw overturned in southern Indonesia. He was unavailable for comment.
Did you enjoy this post?
Join the 14,000+ fans who receive our free Daily Digest!