WASHINGTON, DC — An extremely controversial Pentagon study on the accuracy of various running and marching cadences has released its preliminary findings today, concluding that napalm does indeed stick to kids.
Col. Wallace Evans from the Army’s Office of Motivation said the military had decided to conduct the study as part of an overall drive for more realism in training.
“We know the saying: train like you fight,” said Evans. “So why are you going to be chanting something that you’re never going to encounter in a combat environment?”
According to Evans, the drive to overhaul cadences came when after-action reports from the 75th Ranger Regiment on the popular multi-service “C-130 Rolling Down a Strip” cadence showed that not only did Airborne Rangers’ chutes not open wide, but when the reserve failed they were not able to go after Satan.
“Most couldn’t even penetrate the ground,” according to Evans, “which raises a lot of questions of how they would get all the way down to Hell, assuming of course that Hell isn’t an abstract concept … but that was beyond the scope of this study.”
The worst part, though, was when a group of soldiers visiting a Marine base in North Carolina heard the Marines claim that “C-130” was actually a Marine cadence.
“Everywhere on goddamn [Camp Lejeune] we kept hearing guys chanting about jumping out of airplanes,” said Sergeant First Class Rafael Reyes. “I thought those fuckers were supposed to be amphibious.”
The Office of Motivation then commissioned a several-year study to observe all popular cadences, as well as their accuracy. Even though “C-130” sparked the push for cadence reform, it was deemed too costly to use an entire regiment of Rangers as lawn darts.
“‘Napalm’ was actually our second choice for testing,” Evans observed. “‘Jesse James’ seemed much more practical but most of our soldiers proved too heavy to ride a kangaroo, plus you can only kill so many long-haired hippies.”
The popular “Napalm” cadence, which involves repeatedly chanting “Napalm napalm sticks to kids,” was created during the Vietnam War and has been reinforced in running cadences, jokes, and slogans. It is controversial, not only for its aggressive lyrics, but also from a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the Army by the Dow Chemical Company over trademark infringement.
Early efforts to assess the cadence’s accuracy raised more questions than they answered. Popular rumors have attributed it to David Hackworth, but he claimed to his dying day that he’d first heard it in a Saigon whorehouse called The Pink Mist.
Unfortunately despite the widespread use of the incendiary weapon, no conclusive testing had been done on the specific effects of the substance when used against targets under the age of eighteen.
“We tried coating the children in teflon, butter, anything to make the napalm less sticky,” said Capt. Alan Middleton, an Air Force liaison who took part in the napalm cadence testing, known informally as Operation Cooked Goose. “We even tried grease, although judging by the screams that didn’t seem to help.”
When pressed about a summary of the operation, Middleton smiled and replied, “After months of testing and hundreds of successfully engaged targets, we have conclusively determined that napalm does in fact stick to kids.”
At press time, Col. Evans announced other studies underway to measure the temperature of female Eskimo genitalia, in addition to a nationwide search for an S&M Man to have sexual relations with your grandma on the front lawn as your grandfather cheers.