WASHINGTON, DC — Josiah Curtis joined the National Security Agency to make America safer. “I could no longer stand by idlely while communist Islamic infiltration tore at the vulnerable guts of American culture and heritage,” said Mr. Curtis in an exclusive interview with the Duffel Blog. “Every day I would tap into phones all over the world, listening to people plotting against the Constitution. Sometimes I wouldn’t go home, sleeping on the floor of my cubicle so I wouldn’t miss even one of those traitors self-incriminating to charges of high treason.”
Mr. Curtis credits himself with 2746 uncovered terrorist plots against American landmarks and citizens. “I kept telling my supervisor, Senior Agent Roads, that we needed to order all the social media corporations to give us all their data on damned communist subversion of our Christian values and that they’re either with us or against us. He told me that I was nuts and to go back to shuffling my DD1342s.” Mr. Curtis smiled thinly, “So I took it upon myself to put together PRISM: Prevention and Repression of Islamic Subversion in the Media.”
Duffel Blog interviewed some of Mr. Curtis’ co workers to get their opinion on the prolific counterintelligence agent. “Oh Curtis?” Agent Andrew Byers commented with upturned eyebrow, “Guy’s a complete nutjob. Spends hours at night making this fugly powerpoint about this PRISM project that he made up. Used to mutter all the time about getting Facebook and Microsoft on board this grand scheme to listen in on ‘Islamic extremists sapping and impurifying all of our precious bodily fluids.'”
“I honestly had no clue what he was going on about,” said Special Agent Susan Burke, “The National Security Agency doesn’t have the competence or capability to listen on millions of communications every single day. I mean, we just sit around all day drinking coffee and wasting taxpayer money like every other federal agency.”
For Mr. Curtis, wearied by his solitary three-year crusade, the last straw was the the worldwide publication of his PRISM fever dream as an actual NSA program. “When that communist Muslim Edward J. Snowden copied my life’s blood and told the whole world about it,” Curtis said, “I became a broken man. My pure essence has been irrevocably tainted by the mockery of my coworkers and the revile of the press. That pinko bastard [Snowden] didn’t even publish my last slides about the international Sino/Arab conspiracy to spray chemtrails over major American cities.”
Curtis has since left the NSA and been diagnosed with schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder. He’s unemployed, divorced, unable to find a job, living with his mother and too broke to afford his alimony payments. He’s having trouble sleeping, and frequently wakes up in the middle of the night to whisper: “The horror…the horror.”
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