Admin Error Sends Bradley Manning to Death Row, Nidal Hasan to Gender Reassignment Surgery
FT LEAVENWORTH, KS — An administrative error has been blamed for a mix-up in sentencing involving the cases of convicted Fort Hood shooter Maj. Nidal Hasan and Bradley Manning, the Army private convicted of leaking classified documents to the website WikiLeaks.
After sentencing concluded last Wednesday in Fort Hood, Texas, it was reported Hasan would undergo gender reassignment surgery and change his name from Nidal to Nahid Hasan. Nahid is an Arabic name meaning "one with full, round breasts."
Not long after it was revealed, the traitor formerly known as Chelsea had been transferred to death row where he awaits execution by lethal injection.
Leavenworth officials announced that both gender reassignment and execution have been approved by fiscal offices. Due to end of fiscal year funding constraints, changing these allocations will be too costly in the final quarter.
Sequestration and work furloughs were also cited as possible contributors to the errors, which are now fiscally and administratively impossible to correct. Administrative offices in Leavenworth were unavailable for comment due to a "training holiday."
Hasan, who had declined to speak on his own behalf previously, is reportedly now quite vocal concerning this turn of events.
"This is egregious," the former Army psychiatrist said of the mix up. "I'm supposed to get 72 virgins, not turn into one. My mullah screwed me!"
At press time, Manning was unavailable for comment, throwing a hissy fit in his cell. This despite fellow inmates having assured him they would still call him girls names.
Al Jazeera America has reported Al Qaeda rumblings of possibly facilitating an arranged marriage between Hasan and Ayman al-Zawahiri. Since the announcement or the error, Hasan has received multiple proposals of marriage from various Afghan jihadis, including Zawahiri.
"A woman who used to be a man? That's the best of both worlds," remarked one jihadi. "Every day will be man-love Thursday!"