ATLANTA, GA — The Atlanta Braves announced this morning the team would be handing out free Tomahawk cruise missiles to its fans in uniform during Military Appreciation Night on Thursday, while playing at home against the Cleveland Indians.
The Braves, who will be giving away one free $1.5 million, 3,000-pound Tomahawk Block IV Cruise Missile and accompanying 1,000-pound warhead to the first 18,000 fans who either show up in uniform or produce an active duty military ID, are offering the promotion as a means of “saluting the troops” on the eve of what appears to be inevitable U.S.-led missile strikes against Syria, according to a spokesman from Raytheon Company, which is sponsoring the $27 billion promotion.
“We figured that everybody knows about the ‘Tomahawk Chop,’” said Evan Keegler, Raytheon’s director of marketing, in reference to the one-armed rallying gesture made famous by the team’s fans over the years.
“So we decided this would be a great tie-in that not only lets the brave men and women overseas know that we’re thinking about them, but also gives people here at home a hands-on education as to all of the awesome capabilities possessed by the very missiles that are about to rain down hellfire on Damascus.”
Early buzz about the giveaway has been mostly positive amongst Atlanta fans.
“Free Tomahawk night is gonna be awesome. I’ve been waiting forever to get my hands on the Block IV,” said Hospital Corpsman 2nd Class Nick Cuevas, a self-described “missile-phile” who plans to make a grueling, 650-mile trek all the way from Naval Support Activity Bethesda, Md., just to get his hands on one of the must-have subsonic cruise missiles.
Cuevas said that the Tomahawk was “going to go nicely” alongside the RIM-162 Evolved Sea Sparrow Missile and RUR-5 Anti-Submarine Rocket that are both currently on display in his living room above the fireplace.
“Of course, I won’t be taking the Tomahawk out of its crate,” Cuevas added. “That totally cuts from the resale value.”
At least one Soldier and parent, however, had her reservations about the missile promotion.
“I don’t know about having a missile in the house, not with our own little Chipper Jones here,” chuckled Army Sgt. Lena Duckett, in reference to her rambunctious seven-year-old, Ricky.
“We tried bringing home that Dale Murphy Bobblehead last month, and Ricky was crushing it with his father’s softball bat within three minutes,” Duckett added.
“So, ‘fingers crossed’ once we bring that armed missile into the garage, right?”
At press time, the Braves front office announced that all sales of alcohol for Thursday’s game would cease after the fourth inning, so as to keep any rowdy fans from throwing their Tomahawks onto the field.