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Bradley Manning Sentenced To 35 More Years As A Dude

Bradley Manning as a woman or a man or a oh fuck it, we don’t know.

FORT MEADE, MD – Private First Class Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years confinement, which is to be served under his biological sex, which is male.

“We are grateful he did not receive the maximum sentence, but we hoped the judge would allow for some of it to be served as a woman,” said defense attorney David Coombs.

Manning claims to suffer from a gender identity disorder which attributed to his disillusionment with the military. Photographs of Manning dressed as his alter ego Chelsea and letters detailing his homosexual preferences were presented by the defense during the trial. Manning has publicly stated that he intends to start hormone therapy as soon as possible in order to transition to a female.

“This sentence dooms Bradley Manning to 35 more years of being imprisoned in a prison inside a prison,” said ACLU attorney Evan Long. “Every day he is forced to have the shame of his birth gender dangling between his legs. If he were free, he could masturbate while wearing women’s panties or try to trick Johns into paying for blow jobs down by the docks. As of today, any chance he has for fulfilling his sexual needs is washed away, like water in the drain of a shower.”

Manning is calculated to be eligible for parole in nine years, including time served and reductions for maltreatment.

“Even if parole is successful, he will not have the skills to live as a female impersonator upon leaving prison. By then, the best life he can hope for is that of a dried up fruit fly, chain smoking Virginia Slims during happy hour at The Man Hole,” said Coombs. “This young man — woman, tranny, whatever — is having the best years of his cabana boy life being taken from him.”

Reaction to Manning’s sentence was positive at Fort Leavenworth Disciplinary Barracks, where Manning has spent the latter half of his pretrial confinement.

“Oh I’ll make him feel like a woman. Give me that sweet, young bitch ass. Classified information ain’t going to be the only thing he’s leaking,” said Hercules “Assman” Jones, a prisoner serving a life sentence for male-on-male sexual assault.

“Shit. Would have been nice to have a celly,” said Bertha “Birkenstock” Malgus, the only female prisoner at Leavenworth, also serving a life sentence for her role in male-on-male sexual assault.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange released a statement saying that he would “weep for Manning’s penis” and that doctors in Ecuador stood ready to “liberate him from his bastard dong” whenever Manning is released.

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