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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Sunday, 27 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Sunday

27 September 2026

0239 Zulu

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← Front page
Army · Page 4

New Army policy makes fraternization mandatory

Filed · 1544

The new poster for the campaign was hastily put together.

THE PENTAGON — Ahead of an October 1st publishing, details have been leaked of the Army’s new policy to prevent sexual assault within the ranks.

The military has recently experienced a massive surge in reported sexual assaults and top brass has seemingly been helpless to address the problem—until now. In a departure from longstanding tradition, the Army has decided to attack the problem of sexual assault by making it a regulated part of military life.

“I can see how some would be confused about this,” said Brig. Gen. Lilith Heisenmeiser, a Pentagon spokesperson, “but we realized something last year when considering how to deal with this problem. It is a cultural problem, not an institutional one. That is to say, it is an American problem, not an Army problem."

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