THE PENTAGON — Ahead of an October 1st publishing, details have been leaked of the Army’s new policy to prevent sexual assault within the ranks.
The military has recently experienced a massive surge in reported sexual assaults and top brass has seemingly been helpless to address the problem—until now. In a departure from longstanding tradition, the Army has decided to attack the problem of sexual assault by making it a regulated part of military life.
“I can see how some would be confused about this,” said Brig. Gen. Lilith Heisenmeiser, a Pentagon spokesperson, “but we realized something last year when considering how to deal with this problem. It is a cultural problem, not an institutional one. That is to say, it is an American problem, not an Army problem.”
Heisenmesier believes the problem can only be solved if the “culture of America changes.”
“If we can’t solve the problem, we can at least regulate and quantify it; essentially, make it as safe as possible,” she added.
Guidelines from the forthcoming AR (Army Regulation) 600-19.45, titled Mandatory Fraternization Standards and Reporting, will be a shock to some traditionalists. Chapters have names such as “On Your Knees, Private,” and “Rank Hath Its Privileges,” and “Explaining your New Duties to your Spouse or Significant Other.”
Leaders now have the authority to demand sexual gratification from any subordinate, regardless of marital status or sexual orientation. Soldiers new to a unit must perform a “welcome” act on the commander or senior noncommissioned officer, and upon every leader in his or her chain of command. And similar to the “Virtual Family Readiness Group” websites that most commands maintain for family and spousal support, each Army soldier must now submit nude photos of his or herself, in nine different poses, to the under-construction “Army Leaders’ Fraternization Asset,” or ALFA.
“Oh yeah,” says Capt. Benjamin Jizinpans, one of the ALFA beta testers and commander of Bravo 3-345 Forward Support Co. “We’ve implemented this in our unit.”
“Before the new policy, I had two lieutenants and seven enlisted soldiers who wouldn’t put out. It was harmful to morale, and affected everybody’s attitude. Since it’s now mandatory, morale has skyrocketed, and productivity is through the roof. It’s kind of a relief to be able to call my XO in for a quick beej before the weekly training meeting. Kind of puts everybody’s mind in the right place, you know?”
Similar to the 2011 repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the new policy will be gradually implemented, from the top down. General officers will fall under the new guidelines first, with field, company, and noncommissioned officers to follow once top Army leadership decides sufficient awareness training has been completed.
“It’s kind of [expletive] that generals get to do it first,” complained 1st Lt. Ashley Combromson, a general’s aide, as she removed her blouse en route to service her boss, “but I’m looking forward to when they implement it for the lower ranks. There are quite a few of my junior enlisted guys that I’m thinking about applying the new policy to.”
“It’s kind of genius, in a way, although I disagree with it personally,” opined noted military psychologist Dr. Jamiroqui Smith. “Think about it: what is sexual assault, really, except involuntary sexual contact? You can’t stop sexual contact — it’s just not going to happen — so they’ve decided to attack the other aspect, the involuntary part. If sexual contact is mandatory, then it’s all voluntary, by light of the fact that we have an all-volunteer military. It’s brilliant.”
Military spouses are also relieved by the change.
“I used to worry about my husband bringing home diseases, you know? But now that the new regs cover hygiene and cleanliness, I know that the deployment queens that my husband takes to pound town on the reg will be safe and healthy,” said Penelope Williamston, who also noted that she had the toughest job in the Army.
“Oh, and they’ll be on birth control as well. We don’t want a repeat of OIF IV,” she adding, pointing to her second child who looks nothing like her.
Still, not everyone is a fan of the new policy.
“This is ridiculous,” Specialist Jayssica Wrentraub told Duffel Blog. “I spend a lot of time and effort putting out subtle hints to my leadership that I am good to go. Not wearing a bra under my coveralls when we’re doing company motor pool day. Getting a popsicle from the shoppette and eating it like I’m giving head. Making lots of arm and shoulder contact in conversation. Leaving my barracks room unlocked, or my CHU on deployments, and sleeping without underwear on. Pre-roofie-ing myself before a night at the club. And that was great. It worked. I got laid a lot, from my platoon sergeant up to my battalion XO. But now all the fun is gone. It’s moved from something fun and private to this regimented, sterile thing.”
She sighs. “Man. The Army ruins everything.”