WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the infamous Miley Cyrus performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, U.S. military psychological units have been broadcasting the video to every known Al Qaeda operative worldwide in an effort to confuse, depress and annoy the hardcore, battle hardened terrorists into surrender.
“We used the same strategy in Panama,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little. “Noriega gave up after we blasted music at the embassy where he’d taken refuge. We have no more effective weapon in our arsenal than shitty, soul-crushing American pop music.”
Operation: What The Fuck Did I Just Watch? has so far been a resounding success, with thousands of Al Qaeda operatives having dismantled their sleeper cells and returning home to contemplate the worthiness of their struggle.
“I’ve spent my entire life fighting the infidels, hoping to Allah they would lead a more pious life,” said Mustafa Fadhil. “I simply wanted to help them, help themselves, by murdering them. But after seeing Miley Cyrus twerking on stage, I realized these people are beyond redemption. Game over, man. Game over.”
Ahmed Atwah, an Al Qaeda financier, spoke with Duffel Blog after he stopped funding terror operations and decided to become a legitimate businessman.
“I’m not wasting any more money on those savages,” said Atwah. “It’s pointless to keep throwing my hard-earned cash away on people who stubbornly refuse to change. So, I decided to open up a teddy bear shop because teddy bears are wholesome and good and there’s nothing indecent about teddy bears.”
When Atwah admitted to not actually seeing the Miley Cyrus performance, Duffel Blog showed him the video. Atwah walked into another room, closed the door, and a single gunshot rang out.
After fighting what many thought would be a never-ending war, most Al Qaeda operatives are struggling to forget the scarring images they will forever carry.
“War is hell and you try to forget,” said Saif al-Adel. “I have literally cut a man’s head off with a knife and somehow I can block out the blood curdling screams. But Miley grinding up on that old dude will haunt me for the rest of my life. That Blurred Lines song is kind of catchy though.”
The military, always preparing for the next war, has plans to draft Justin Beiber, Amanda Bynes, Lindsey Lohan, Mel Gibson, Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, the entire Kardashian clan, and 1990’s Robert Downey Jr. into the armed forces. They will be funded with billions of taxpayer dollars and have 100 percent creative control over their artistic endeavors.
Miley Cyrus, clearly high on the media frenzy, has been invited to the White House to receive an award for her efforts in the War on Terror.
At press time, President Obama had awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Cyrus for a “conspicuous act of sluttiness while facing an overwhelming loss of human decency and self respect.”
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.