WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a daring pre-dawn raid on a bomb-making factory in Yemen early Friday, President Barack Obama announced to the world that Warren Terror had finally been captured.
“After I learned of solid intelligence, and I learned of this terror mastermind, I discussed the possibility of conducting a raid with my national security team,” Obama said in a speech from the White House. “After I carefully deliberated, I then consulted a Magic 8-Ball to ask whether this was a good decision. I then authorized members of the U.S. Navy SEALs to capture or kill Warren Terror. I am proud to report that he is now in custody.”
The U.S. has been searching for the infamous and elusive international terrorist since shortly after 9/11, when President George W. Bush announced his capture would be his number one priority. “This crusade against Warren Terror starts today, but it does not end with his capture,” Bush said in the days following the devastating terror attacks in New York and Washington.
“It will end only when we invade multiple countries and eventually forget whether we were supposed to shoot people, build schools, or shoot people building schools,” he added.
After a brief firefight, the SEALs raiding the terror facility subdued Terror and placed him in flex-cuffs so he could not escape. “We’ve been conducting a global war on Terror for a long time,” said the SEAL Team Leader, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It’s a good feeling to know that we can move on to wars against other nouns.”
Terror is currently being held at a resort community in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.