Army Runs Out Of Red Tape

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WASHINGTON DC — The Army’s top logistician has confirmed that due to the government shutdown, the Army has completely run out of red tape.

“We’ve been relying on our emergency rainy day stockpiles of 3M 764 Red Vinyl Tape for the past two weeks, but that supply has been totally exhausted,” said Lieutenant General Raymond Mason, the Army G-4’s Deputy Chief of Staff.

According to LtGen. Mason, because of the shortage many soldiers in administrative and other support units have been forced to get out from behind their desks and actually do things, creating a service-wide boom in productivity.

Duffel Blog was surprised to be able to sit down with LtGen. Mason in an on-the-record interview which did not involve a binder full of talking points, six layers of aides or three weeks to set up.

Our correspondent asked him if he could provide some concrete examples of this new-found efficiency.

“Sure, but first I’ll just need you to fill out these six documents in … ” he began, looking at the empty desk in front of him.

“I guess I’ll just do it then,” he muttered.

Duffel Blog reporter Jay contributed to this report.

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