Opinion: Keep Bitching, I’ll Bring Back Black Boots And Make You Sleep In Quonset Huts
The following is an opinion piece written by Gen. James Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps.
By now you have probably heard about all the sweeping changes Amos has in store for the barracks: as in sweeping and mopping. This is part of the Marine Corps tradition. Marines throughout history, from Major Samuel Nichols to Gunnery Sergeant John Basilone, have been known for their barracks prowess. From now on, there will be two NCOs on duty, fire watches on every floor, monitored by twenty-four hour security cameras, wearing those service uniforms, just like my predecessor General Krulak envisioned in his “Strategic Corporal”.
One way or another, Amos is going to get you “back to the basics” the Marine Corps is known for. No, Amos is not talking about fighting the War on Terror. He’s talking about fighting the War on War.
There are a lot of surly, nasty shitbags out there who think they are “hot shit” because they “went to war” or are “combat-hardened”. Amos has news for you: if you were even a halfway decent Marine, you would have gone straight from the School of Infantry to 8th & I to do close-order drill; not to Iraq, or Afghanistan, or wherever the fuck it is you went. So you got shot at: whoopty-fucking-doo. Try shooting some Febreze on your bed sheets and then talk to Amos.
Now, Amos has heard a bit of grumbling out there about some of the changes.
‘General, why do we have to wear service uniforms on duty?’ Or ‘Sir, why the heck do we need Marines on fire watch when there hasn’t been a fire in the barracks since 1837?’ As you know, we’re downsizing. With the looming budget cuts, the Corps will soon be just Amos, the Sergeant Major, fifty Lance Corporals as a personal security detail, and Chesty, our trusted mascot. But still, the Marine Corps needs to face the facts that times are changing. And the Marine Corps needs to embrace that change.
Now all the changes Amos has announced are by no means complete. So if you have a problem with any of them now, keep bitching about them. Just go ahead. If you don’t like these changes, well, that’s fine. Amos won’t mind. Amos means, he won’t mind when he presides over your damn court martial. Amos has the entire Staff Judge Advocate on speed dial. Whole sniper platoons think of Amos every time they have to take a piss.
And if the rest of you keep bitching and moaning, Amos can go back even further into Marine Corps heritage: Amos will bring back black boots you need to spend hours polishing and make you sleep in Quonset huts again so fast, it will make your garrison covers fly off. Which we’re now wearing every day, starting next week. It’s Marine Corps tradition.
Say, Amos bets you all think you look pretty good in those digital cammies: throw a snuggle sheet on, pull them out the dryer and head off to work. Want to complain? Good. This is the peacetime Marine Corps. We’ll bring back the old pre-war battle dress uniforms. It was good enough for Lieutenant Amos, and it should be good enough for you. You can’t be smoking spice when you’re pressing five sets of uniforms, can you?
Lastly gents, Amos wants to thank you for your service. The majority of you enlisted during a time of war. You all knew what you were getting yourselves into when you signed up — inspections, random health and comforts and shitloads of duty.
Thanks again for the twelve years of fighting America’s wars. Expect a junk on the bunk inspection tomorrow. Now go fuck yourselves.
Reporters G-Had, Dark Laughter, and David Brooks contributed to this article.