THE PEARLY GATES OF HEAVEN — In response to an investigation initiated by the Marine Corps Times, a spokesman for God has confirmed that because of a paperwork error Marines have actually been guarding the streets of Hell for the past 200 years.

"Don't get me wrong, we briefly did have Marines on guard up here," St. Peter told Duffel Blog, "but they kept making all the new angels stand at parade rest and conduct police calls for cigarette butts at four in the morning."

"Seriously, anyone who thinks having Marines guarding your streets is bliss has never been knife-handed by some random Gunnery Sergeant for not calling him by his proper rank. They even insisted we refer to everything in nautical terminology."

According to St. Peter, God was eventually forced to replace the Marines: first with the Coast Guard, so they would have at least one legitimate mission, but eventually with the Air Force, although Heaven lacks the typical amenities found on most airbases and is considered a hardship tour by most Airmen.