SMALL TOWN, USA — Saying the war on terror has dragged on too long and it's no longer necessary that our troops be deployed to war zones, citizens across the nation demanded that all military personnel be returned to the United States immediately, but oh shit—wait a minute, the game is back on.

"These guys have been out there too long and endured too much hell in these places, and I mean, it's Thanksgiving," said local man Evan McMasters. "They should be enjoying this day with their famil—oh! WHOA! Did you see that catch? Unbelievable!"