WASHINGTON, DC – Former Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad has found a new career: not in politics, but in comedy.
The diminutive but always feisty politician recently opened the start of a cross-country comedy “jihad” across America, beginning at New York’s very own Caroline’s in Times Square.
“Come for the laughs: stay because we are holding you hostage!” read one of the many advertisements which have been popping up all over New York.
The tour, known as “The Shahids of the Blessed Ali Comedy Extravaganza” will eventually come to more than a dozen American cities and feature the side-splitting laughs of Ahmadinejad, as well as Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Hizballah leader Hassan Nasrallah.
Already being referred to by the media as the “Persian Invasion,” it is part of a deal between Ahmadinejad’s presidential successor Hassan Rouhani, and U.S. president Barack Obama to increase the goodwill between the two nations as part of their recent agreement to limit Iran’s nuclear program.
Unfortunately, its opening night was not exactly a rousing hit.
“It’s great to be in Great Satan of America!” a beaming Ahmadinejad shouted as he bounded up on-stage. “America … wow, what a country. You know, in America you say the state of Israel necessary to prevent second holocaust, but in Iran we say second holocaust necessary to prevent state of Israel. Get it?”
As the stunned audience gasped in horror, a flustered Ahmadinejad pushed on.
“Okay, tough crowd. I see you just had mayoral election recently. We have elections in Iran too, except in American elections you beat old men at polls, but in Iranian elections old men with poles beat you.”
He continued, “Uhhhh… so, what is with all your young people on drugs? We do it differently in my country, because while in America drug dealers get you stoned, in Iran you get to stone drug dealers!”
His routine ended shortly after his observation that, “In America you shoot down Iranian airliner over the Persian Gulf, but in Iran we shoot down American airliner over — wait, that’s next year’s material.”
Despite the increasingly hostile crowd, and multiple shoes being thrown at him, Ahmadinejad doggedly managed to stay on stage a whole five minutes.
“Wait!” he shouted as he was being physically removed from the stage. “I have whole routine about how men are different from women! You know how you can spot woman driver? Length of prison sentence!”