FORT HOOD — A man who got piss-drunk and barfed all over his roommate’s entire closet just months ago has successfully checked into your unit and will likely be a huge factor as to whether you live or die in a combat zone, sources confirmed today.
The man, Ian Hendricks, of Charlotte, N.C., who once wore only a toga and over-sized sunglasses while performing a keg stand at an Arizona State University fraternity party, now wears second lieutenant bars and is tasked with enormous responsibilities, to include trying hard not to get you killed.
“I’m just so proud to be here and have the opportunity to lead you fine men,” Hendricks told you and the rest of 2nd platoon in his first speech, only a year after he took multiple ecstasy pills at a club and nearly died later that evening.
Sources confirmed that Hendricks — who urinated all over himself during his freshman year at his frat initiation — will be tasked during an upcoming deployment to Afghanistan with planning patrols, navigating dangerous missions, and calling in possible medical evacuations if you or one of your platoon-mates is hit by enemy fire.
“Obviously he’s a butter bar so he needs to learn the ropes and everything,” platoon sergeant Staff Sgt. Benjamin Dillahunt said, of the 22-year-old who rarely got out of bed to attend classes in his junior year. “But if the Army sent him to us, I’m sure he’s qualified.”
Indeed, sources confirmed an impeccable resume offered by the fresh lieutenant, including his ability to pass a physical fitness test, endure officer candidate school, and his earning of a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Studies from the nation’s number-one party school with a 2.7 GPA.
“These new lieutenants checking in look like a pretty good bunch, especially Hendricks,” battalion commander Lt. Col. Nathan Childers told reporters, referencing a man who will likely suffer alcohol poisoning during a unit family fun day in the next few months. “He looks like he’s more than capable of handling some extra responsibility, so I’m also assigning him as the SACO.”
At press time, Hendricks’ shipment of personal goods had arrived to the unit, which included a t-shirt stained with blood from the drunken fight he got in with a bouncer two years ago, shot glasses from Marty’s Pub in downtown Phoenix, and a beer bong signed by his entire fraternity.