AL JANNAH (Islamic Heaven) — Making a claim sure to confound many Islamic extremists back in the world of mere mortals, 72 dark-eyed virgins came forward this week to announce they’re still impatiently lounging about this divine garden paradise while restlessly waiting to "get the turf tapped" for the very first time.

The virgins — or houri as referred to in the Quran — allege that they have yet to receive even just one sensual and well-endowed martyr to teach them the ways of love, despite what they say have been sporadic promises that date as far back as the Fulani War of the early 1800s, and which have become much more frequent since 9/11.