SOCHI, RUSSIAN FEDERATION – Just hours before the opening ceremony for the Sochi Winter Olympics, Russia has put out an alert for two potential terror suspects, referred to by security officials as “moose” and “squirrel.”
An outpouring of fear swept the tiny coastal town on the Black Sea as details emerged of the possible terrorist attack by the unlikely combination of two Americans, identified as Mr. Bullwinkle J. Moose and Rocket J. Squirrel. The two suspects are reportedly from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, which Russian officials believe may indicate a connection to Canadian separatists.
A friend of the two, historical expert nonpareille Mr. Peabody, said that any terrorist connection was preposterous and “indubitably unprovable.” An e-mail from Mr. Squirrel’s attorney merely said, “Hokey Smoke!”
“We thinking this is classic lone-wolf, err– lone-moose type suicide bomber, world’s greatest no-goodnik,” said Boris Badenov, a Russian expert on security and espionage who announced heightened security measures to catch the pair. He was joined by Colonel Natasha Fatale of the FSB.
“Security is going so well darling,” Ms. Fatale told reporters, before adding, “until we get word of confounded moose and squirrel!”
News of this development has only aggravated tensions ahead of the Games, as Russian security forces are already under intense scrutiny for failing to catch a pair of Chechen terrorists who planted a cartoonishly-large bomb with a long white wick at a train station in Volgograd. Local guards were allegedly lured away by a steaming bowl of borscht left at a strategic distance.
When asked how Russian intelligence would prevent any additional lapses in security, Mr. Badenov explained “Fearless Leader says any more screw-ups will result in comrade agents being liquidated!”
To help enhance security before the opening ceremony, Russia has reportedly also enlisted the aid of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Stay tuned to Duffel Blog for more information as it becomes available. Next scheduled update: Having Sochi Good Time, or Snow News is Good News.