Defense Secretary Discovers Magical Realm In Pentagon Coat Closet

chuck hagel

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was found wandering in a disused Pentagon corridor early this morning, wearing fine royal robes and a bejeweled crown, and carrying a sword which glows in the presence of evil, sources tell Duffel Blog.

The secretary kept muttering “I can’t believe it, after all these decades, I’m back among my native kind,” according to medics who treated him before he was transported to Bethesda Naval Hospital for observation.

Hagel, 67, was treated for dehydration and given a psychiatric evaluation, although the results were not disclosed.

Pentagon officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Hagel said he tripped while trying to pick up his secure Blackberry and tumbled into a coat closet in the basement of E Ring. Upon regaining his footing, he apparently discovered he’d been somehow transported to a magical realm where animals talked and he’d been crowned Emperor after helping them defeat the evil Dark Lord Malacath.

Secretary Hagel is under the belief that he has been in this magical land for more than 50 years, when in reality, he was only missing for little more than six hours.

President Obama, distressed by Hagel’s condition, temporarily suspended him, making acting Deputy Christine Fox the de facto Secretary of Defense. Her assumption of command was hindered by Hagel’s refusal to turn over his classified access and launch codes. Hagel is reportedly demanding to speak with his “Chief Vizier,” whom he calls “Mr. Tumnus.”

A spokesman for the Hagel family did not respond immediately for comment.


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