KIEV — Ukrainian military forces pushed across the Russian border on Tuesday after parliament members in Kiev overwhelmingly authorized the use of force with most reasoning that “you only live once, am I right?”
“It may not pan out or go as well as we expect, and there’s what, 50,000 Russian troops sitting on our border?” asked a visibly intoxicated Oleksandr Turchynov, the interim president. “But fuck it, YOLO! Let’s get this party started!”
On the president’s order, thousands of troops — many wearing mix-and-match uniforms and some not even carrying weapons — pushed across the border, chanting “Spring break, Moscow 2014! Wooh!”
Meanwhile, in the now-annexed Crimea region, Ukraine army and naval forces who had been surrounded by Russian troops for weeks began burning down their own military bases while listening to techno music “because they only came to Crimea to do two things: fuck shit up and drink vodka,” according to one soldier, who noted they had recently run out of vodka.
Now back in talks with his Russian counterpart over the invasion of Crimea, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry expressed “growing concern” at the latest military action, and told reporters he would be following it closely.
Military analysts did not expect success in the operation, but former prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko called for Moscow to be nuked if the invasion failed. “I mean, come on man, let’s just live in the here and now,” she said in a leaked profanity-laced phone call.
“Oh god, what does it matter? What does anything even matter anymore?” Tymosheko added. “The world is shit. Life is shit.”
At press time, most Ukrainians were seen confused, waking up with a terrible migraine headache and asking what the hell happened last night.
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