ARLINGTON, Texas — A university professor was proud to learn that his classroom was being graced with not only the presence of a U.S. Army veteran of Afghanistan, but also, as it turns out, an expert on 18th century irregular warfare, sources confirmed today.
Thanks to his extensive experience during a single six-month deployment to Afghanistan, 22-year-old former Private First Class Brian Wintergreen is shedding all kinds of new light on a wide array of topics in an American History class at the University of Texas-Arlington, an institution of higher learning that Duffel Blog’s resident West Pointer confirmed is ‘just one step higher than community college.’
The budding amateur historian went to great lengths to assure his classmates he does not draw his opinions about past events from such trite sources as assigned reading, but instead from his own personal experiences or anecdotes that he read on Facebook.
“This is total bullshit man,” Wintergreen related angrily as he wielded the consigned textbook that his teacher had instructed him to read. “Look at this dumbass,” the student-veteran jabbed at the author’s name, the late Dr. John Richard Alden, “He can’t write about shit he hasn’t seen. I’ve been to war, I know! I got a CIB! He can’t say that the American militia in the Revolution was ineffective at fighting those British bitches. They could hide behind trees and snipe at them just like the Indians! Sniping wins wars!”
Wintergreen puffed out his chest and thumped it in a violently confrontational manner. “I was a sniper in Afghanistan with 60 confirmed kills!”
Wintergreen continued to aggressively relate how he steadfastly resolved to view linear Early-Modern Warfare through anything but the lens of his own personal experience, flying in the face of all historical perspective.
“I have never pressured my students to speak about their military service,” Dr. Andrew Farrell, Wintergreen’s history professor, reported behind his hand planted firmly on his forehand. “But Mr. Wintergreen is always willing to share his life stories. He doesn’t seem to grasp that the military techniques utilized at the time were designed for the most effective use of the weapons they had. Sometimes I want to just tell him to shut the hell up and stop using my lecture hall like the Xbox Live Lobby.”
Confidently stating the way the redcoats fought back then was “retarded,” Wintergreen then ran his fingers along the brutal high-and-tight haircut framing his pale scalp and winked at a young woman attempting to surreptitiously scoot her seat away.
“Know what I’m saying girl? Lining up and taking turns shooting at each other, pfft! What a bunch of fags!,” said the student veteran, befitting an Emeritus at Oxford University. “I would have gone full Mel Gibson on their asses with a tomahawk and pick them off from two hundred yards away and stab ‘em with the American flag at the end! Boo ya!”
In response to his professor asking him if he knew what the maximum effective range of a smoothbore musket was and how long it took to reload, Wintergreen retorted that “You poguey-ass bitches don’t even know the effective range of a Barret .50 cal!” He then made a vulgar motion towards his pelvis and profanely invited his classmates to perform fellatio upon him.
At press time, ex-PFC Wintergreen was found to have served as a DFAC guard his entire deployment, and earned his Combat Infantryman Badge when an enemy mortar landed 49 meters in front of his position. The projectile did not detonate.
Duffel Blog Investigative Correspondent ArmyJ contributed to this Report.