ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The U.S. Naval Academy held its graduation ceremony Friday morning, commissioning the newest class of weirdos into the ranks of the Navy and Marine Corps.

“I am pleased to send so many fine young officers to the fleet,” said Capt. Jim Cunha during the commencement ceremony, noting that the academy had spent the past four years transforming students from raw 18-year-olds to creepy 22-year-olds. "Now the Navy and Marine Corps will reap the fruits of our labor. They are excited to be getting officers who will stand motionless on the field during a softball game, get in the way of people trying to pass them during runs, and refuse to clean their own racks.”

“2nd Lieutenant John 'Muddy' Waters is our valedictorian,” Capt. Cunha said. “Funny story about him, once a girl smiled at him. Lt. Waters stood outside the female barracks for eight hours hoping to get a glimpse of her through the windows. That’s the kind of discipline it takes to be a leader of Marines.”