HomeArmyBling-Bling! I Got My P.O.W. Medal, Bitches! G-Had June 5, 2014 Army, Opinion 36 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: By Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, U.S. Army [Translated from Pashto. -ed] Oh hey guys, I’ve got a riddle for you: Who’s got two thumbs and is the greatest American ever? Yeah, this guy! Sergeant, soon to be Staff Sergeant, Bowe Bergdahl, America’s latest hero! Fresh off from my all-expenses paid five-year vacation in Pakistan, all set to come home, snap some necks and cash some checks. But before I get my mandatory photo op at the White House — WITH THE PRESIDENT! — I just wanted to set the record straight and talk to some of the haters out there. Because apparently you can’t even walk off post in the middle of the goddamned night without someone using loaded words like “AWOL” or “desertion” or “treason,” or some shit. So here’s the truth: I didn’t desert. I just really wanted that Prisoner of War Medal. OK, I know what you’re thinking: “Bowe, what in the hell are you talking about?” Well check it out: it’s not like the Medal of Honor; they don’t just give them away. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be captured by the enemy these days? It ain’t like just jumping on a grenade. You’re talking weeks of planning, studying the area, learning useful phrases like “I surrender.” I mean if it were easy everyone would do it. Five years, in a room on some Pakistani army base, with an X-Box and cable TV. Shit, I’d be doing that in garrison anyways. And now I’m making the big bucks off that. How big? Try 100 GRAND! That’s right. FIVE FREAKIN’ YEARS of back pay. Should I get a Nissan Z or a Harley Street 750? Fuck it, I’ll get both! I’m rolling in the dough now, and that’s before I get my book deal and Hollywood movie with a major studio. I hear they’re already lining up Matthew McConaughey to play yours truly? How awesome is that! Now I’m gonna be walking around base wearing my awesome stack when some hot-ass female comes up and is like, “What the heck is that one?” and I’ll be like, “Oh, nothing… just my FREAKING P.O.W. RIBBON. Yeah, they traded five Taliban commanders to get me back, so I’m kind of a big deal.” The next sound you hear will be those panties dropping faster than I dropped my rifle. Don’t forget the free language lessons either: now I’m fluent in Pashto AND Dari. All those Fortune 500 companies that want to invest in Pakistan and Afghanistan: they’re gonna be lining up to hire me. I mean, the day I hit the job market I’ll be worth more than Mark Zuckerberg. Or maybe I’ll give my new best buddy John McCain a call, have him hook me up with some political office or some shit. And anytime anyone asks me anything, I’ll be like, “I don’t know, cause I was a P.O.W.” Well, gotta go. I hear the Pentagon is flying me out to Vegas for a weekend at the Bunny Ranch for *reintegration* training, since apparently I “don’t know what a woman looks like anymore.” Ha! As soon as I hit the ground there, I’m making a big ol’ Bowe sex sandwich, with some extra UH-UHHHHHHH — if you know what I mean. And I earned it. SEE ALSO: Meteorologists Forecast Bowe Bergdahl Shit Storm > Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/HPMYR Niklaus Hamilton says: July 15, 2014 at 7:44 PM As far as I’m concerned, neither he nor his comrades should have ever been there. I’m glad he’s home. Anonymous says: July 11, 2014 at 6:29 PM I said it in the very beginning he is a fucking plant into the military. Soon after Obummer is in office this jackass enlist then deploys, and within a few months DESERTS his base. At that point he was an enemy that deserves the death sentence. Yet that was back in the day before we have had this transformation of the military. Shit the Air Farce uphold the fucking Koran over the Bible now. If yall think non of this shit was planned your sorely mistaken – everything is planned just look at Obama… Now this traitor gets a free pass, medals, and accolades that can use his perversion to influence others to his new formed beliefs. So you think this was an accident? Read more at damdems.wordpress.com Reed Cundiff says: June 8, 2014 at 11:29 AM As a well known LRRP/SF (in RHOF) once said when someone complained that he couldn’t get a pass to get into Bien Hoa when we were in 173rd LRRP in 1966. “..if you can’t figure out how to get downtown and back without a pass, then maybe you are in the wrong platoon..” Christopher Justice says: June 6, 2014 at 3:28 PM The average American that has little, if not no, understanding of how the military works may read this and swallow it whole. This is actually complete BS and I am appalled that this site would post or publish something like this and cause more drama and stir than is already taken place. Though I am on the fence as to whether or not this guy is a POW or a Traitor, we live in a country where someone is innocent until proven guilty. It is crap like this that doesn’t need to be published or printed in the internet in any way. I could cut into the details that this whole ordeal that throws me off but I will leave that be. Instead, I simply say that it is people like this that don’t need to be on any social media site at all. This needs to be taken down and a formal and public apology from the person or site that wrote this to all Americans. Typical crap like that media all over the world have done for years making allegations and comments that nobody knows as facts, yet you want to run your mouth. Take this article down make a formal public apology! Adam Parker says: June 6, 2014 at 2:14 PM Susana o’parka if he didn’t want to kill anyone he shouldn’t have joined. It wasn’t like he got drafted he made a choice and when he wasn’t man enough he ran away like a coward. Michael Coffey says: June 6, 2014 at 9:59 AM I just peed a little… Kat Stewart says: June 6, 2014 at 9:59 AM ziiiiinngg! Mel Shafer says: June 6, 2014 at 9:59 AM Oh hell yeah! DB off the top rope. Dave Dickinson says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Love the piss taking on this site Carol Sprowls says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM This was not posted by Carol Sprowls! William Vallejo says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM BUT FIRST! Make sure to take a SELFIE!!! Bill Henley says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Correct me if I am wrong but won’t that be 5 years of non taxable retro pay? Claudio Delgado-Valcarcel says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Best Duffel Blog yet! Pepe Ugarte says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Is he going for a sex change like the progressives’ other hero… Bradley Manning Jonathan Nguyen says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Sorry, no back pay… Daddy’s been cashing the checks while he was on vacation! Patrick James Bevans says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM I the article is a joke but I wouldn’t doubt if it is one of the sick twisted fantasies going on is this traitorous shit bags head Ayesha O'Patla says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM @Jerry Oliver lol…I gathered after the first sentence. im talking about the message being portrayed. Matthew DelaCruz says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM LOL this was funny. But the worst part is. Who ever wrote this. Got it correct to the T. It’s a shame he isn’t getting a firing squad which he deserves. Traitor Brad Richgruber says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM “So here’s the truth: I didn’t desert. I just really wanted that Prisoner of War Medal.” lol, that was the best part. Ayesha O'Patla says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM So this is the kind of rubbish that gets written these days…. the guy didnt wanna kill innocent civilians…whats the problem? Plus the money he gets is his by LAW! (which y’all fight to protect….) Ben Smith says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Faggot. You got six people killed looking for your dumb ass. You’re not a POW. You’re a disgrace to your nation and the military. I hope you don’t run into, like, ANY other veteran out in public. Unless you enjoy getting fistfucked in the face. Michael Scott says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM What’s your point…living in the 13th century..no lights, AC, running water, eating only Japhat, potatoes, corn flavored with a little goat fat. Seems to me a Harley, BMW and a blow job sounds reasonable to me. I spent a year in Pakistan where we had sometimes, lights, AC, TV and that year seemed like an eternity. Five years squatting to shit or piss no thank you. Bill Bonzer says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Wow, you guys don’t know nothing. He is a dessert(er) He can eat some chocolate mousse, eclairs, and ice cream. Counter intell guys I have spoke with say he headed off the base whistling the Banana Boat Song ( Daylight come and me wan’ go home. Come, Mister tallyman,) and he successfully infiltrated the enemy and just when we was gonna start snapping necks, President O messed up the mission and it was all for nothing. CMH is the minimum he deserves…. Miriam Stevens says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Ah! you have a typo. Did you mean POS? Kevin Hale says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Michael Scott, Why would he have to squat to pee? Unless the Taliban did some transgender surgery just for kicks? Angry Warrant says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM The jokes on HIM!- AAFES doesn’t have an “Ex-POW” spot out front of the PX, so he’s still parking with the rank and file. Me? I park where I want since as a Chief I’m a Great Officer – Frackin’ Outstanding! They put spots for me all over post! Between those and the Air Force ‘Chief’ spots on Ramstein, I’m set. Rick Cook says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM I wonder if he actually feels that way, even a little. MC Grammar says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Painfully Hilarious!!! Randy Bartlett says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM The first phrase you learn in a foreign language is “Don’t shoot: I know secrets.” Just ask Ed Snowden…. Todd Wooten says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM If he isn’t shipped to Gitmo to be with his newly acquired friends, or sent to Leavenworth, they sure as hell better get him a new identity. Otherwise, he’s dog food. Trent Smith says: June 6, 2014 at 9:58 AM Whoa whoa now, this sounds too realistic. You might need to actually make up things Duffel Blog Jeffrey Brady says: June 5, 2014 at 5:43 AM To bad this really sounds like reality Erich Plumsteel de Villiers says: June 5, 2014 at 5:13 AM I’m surprised he didn’t get the Medal of Honor, after all, it’s the natural progression … Unconscious during a firefight (Jessica Lynch) = Bronze Star, shot accidentally by your own troops (Pat Tillman) = Silver Star. Thomas Lucken says: June 5, 2014 at 5:13 AM The pride of Obama’s Administration………………………………………………………… Ornate Mirth says: June 5, 2014 at 4:58 AM An American Hero! Luke Holm says: June 5, 2014 at 4:29 AM Ftw.