MOSUL, Iraq — Just days after the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) seized control of Iraq's northern cities of Mosul and Tikrit, the group's lightning offensive has reportedly ground to a halt after ISIS unsuccessfully attempted to use dozens of captured U.S. M1114 Humvees.

"We were considerably more mobile with Toyota Technicals," complained ISIS cell leader Ibrahim ibn Abdullah ibn Sabah Al-Rahman. "But once we captured these unreliable monstrosities, our leadership started worrying about our safety."

"Now we can't even leave our base without at least four up-armored Humvees and an RPG team, plus we have to have three ground guides with reflective belts every time we are backing out of our parking spot," Al-Rahman said as he angrily gestured towards a dilapidated Humvee. "And don't get me started on all the protective gear we have to wear. Even the suicide bombers were told they wouldn't be getting into paradise if they were caught in one without a helmet, flak, gloves, and flame retardant clothes!"

During the course of the interview, Al-Rahman was interrupted by at least one angry phone call from ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, demanding to know why none of the Humvees had their drip pans and chock blocks in place.