In a shocking discovery just one day after Cpl. Kyle Carpenter was awarded the Medal of Honor, Duffel Blog investigative reporters uncovered a list of proposed questions weak-kneed Marine Corps Times editors outright rejected. Before interviewing the Marine who had jumped on a Taliban grenade and saved his best friend’s life, Times reporters researched questions other Marines wanted answered by canvassing an infantry barracks during field day.
What Marines wanted to know so horrified Times editors they refused to ask Carpenter any of the questions. But we at Duffel Blog feel that people deserve the truth.
While further investigation was impeded by Times employees who called the police on Duffel Blog reporters dumpster diving behind their offices, we are printing the 23 questions they were afraid to ask for the first time:
1. Is there any advice you have for a young infantry lance corporal on how to make rank without actually throwing themselves on a piece of live ordnance?
2. Will you be promoted to Sergeant now, or is that only for people who defect to the Taliban?
3. Does this mean you don’t have to do field day anymore?
4. When they first announced you as a living Marine Medal of Honor recipient did you have to pay royalties to Dakota Meyer?
5. What’s the first endorsement deal you plan on signing?
6. Bruno Mars once sang, “I’d catch a grenade for you.” Why do you think he didn’t?
7. Have you ever had to figuratively jump on a grenade as someone’s wing man in a bar or club? Did she outweigh you?
8. Which Marine Corps Martial-Arts move do you think best goes with your MoH citation tie-in?
9. Have any older Medal of Honor recipients called you a pussy for only jumping on one grenade?
10. So, in the ongoing Afghan presidential election, are you rooting for Abdullah or Ahmadzai, and what do you think about the presence of General Dostum on the ticket? Just fucking with you, what’s your favorite Terminal Lance comic?
11. Why doesn’t your Medal of Honor have a “Combat V”?
12. Does the medal come in handy opening bottles of beer?
13. Have you ever thrown the Medal like a ninja star in the privacy of your own house?
14. If you are married, does your spouse get the Medal of Honor as well?
15. Do you ever have problems finding the Medal at the PX when you’re putting your uniform together at the last minute?
16. Will you have to show the Medal every time for your discount at Chili’s or will they just remember you after awhile?
17. Have you ever caused a Victoria’s Secret store to collapse from the sheer mass of panties dropping all at once?
18. MCO P1020.34 states that “Marine Corps uniform standards of grooming do not allow eccentric or faddish styles.” Do you think a glass eye with an EGA is less eccentric than corn rows?
19. What kind of cheat codes for the Medal of Honor video games come with the actual Medal?
20. As you waited for the grenade to go off, did you think in retrospect, you wish you’d chosen a different MOS that would have let you leak a bunch of classified documents and then gotten a free sex change operation?
21. Is Maximillian Uriarte really doing a graphic novel adaptation of your story?
22. Marry, Fuck, Kill: Dan Daly, Smedley Butler, Chesty Puller. GO!
23. When you go to strip clubs do the dancers tip you? That would be awesome.