Private ‘Pretty Sure’ His Headache Is Ebola

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FORT INDIANTOWN GAP — The Pennsylvania Army National Guard placed Fort Indiantown Gap on lockdown today, after Private Patrick O’Neil reported “ebola-like symptoms” to his unit medic.

“Yeah, my head is killing me, and I want to throw up,” O’Neil told reporters through his plastic isolation bubble. “I’m definitely pretty sure this is Ebola.”

O’Neil says he believes he contracted the disease after riding on a C-130 that had recently returned to the United States from transporting soldiers to AFRICOM, the military’s “Africa Command.”

“There was some stuff on the canvas next to me that was almost probably blood, or maybe mucus, or something like that,” O’Neil said. “So, yeah, this has gotta be Ebola.”

Dr. David Schurmer, commander of the base infirmary, rolled his eyes when questioned about Ebola by reporters.

“Jesus H. Christ on a drum stick!” Schurmer began. “That limp-dicked little private just cost me half of this fiscal year’s budget. Army protocol right now says if Ebola is suspected, even remotely, we are supposed to implement biohazard level 4 procedures, and shut the whole fucking place down.”

“But that stupid little shit doesn’t have Ebola. His friends say he was out drinking all night. He has a headache because he’s dehydrated, and he wants to throw up because he drank a bottle of Jagermeister,” the doctor added.

O’Neil remains unconvinced.

“Yeah, that’s what the doctor told me,” O’Neil said. “But that doesn’t explain the blood or whatever from Africa on the plane.”

“AFRICOM is in Germany!” Schurmer told reporters, as he snapped a femur on the skeleton displayed in his office. “And the plane came back–from Germany!–six weeks ago!”

Sources tell Duffel Blog that O’Neil is being treated with intravenous fluids and liberal doses of ipecac.

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