CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – Private First Class Chad Slater is struggling with a momentous life decision bearing untold consequences, as sources say he has repeatedly alternated between a solid black polo and his boot camp company t-shirt in front of the mirror of his barracks room, in freshly-creased khaki trousers and military-issued leather shoes.

Depending on whether or not he properly utilizes Operational Risk Management and exercises basic fashion etiquette, Slater could either reap the sweet fruit of conquest or face the shameful emasculation of female rejection.

“Chastity says she really likes a sensitive guy who will listen to her,” Slater said indecisively. “I think I’m going to go with the polo.”