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Obama Deploys 3,000 Troops To Catch Ebola

WASHINGTON D.C. — Amid criticism over his handling of crises in Syria and Ukraine, President Obama has ordered 3,000 U.S. soldiers to catch Ebola in west Africa, Duffel Blog has learned.

“Once on the ground, our brave men and women will establish forward camps and combat outposts throughout the countryside,” the president told reporters during a press conference. “Then once our logistical footprint is completed, the soldiers will begin daily patrols into remote villages with the goal of catching Ebola.”

While many expressed concern that the deployment of ground troops was something the president needed authorization from Congress to do, Obama was adamant that their immediate use was absolutely necessary and justified his unilateral action.

“This is a scourge upon the world, and we cannot wait while Congress sits on its hands,” Obama said. “Already our partners in the African Union have sent thousands of their own people to catch Ebola. They need our help.”

Still, others have warned this latest deployment could lead to “mission creep,” but the president told Duffel Blog this would not be a long-term “boots on the ground” mission. Helping to make his point, Obama said the fight against Ebola would be just as successful as the fight against Joseph Kony, a rebel central African warlord who has been not captured for almost two years.

“Let me be absolutely clear on this point. Our soldiers will be used to find Ebola in the jungles, the villages, and even more remote locations. We will not rest until the troops there have caught the menace,” Obama said, before adding that “this is a local problem that needs local solutions.”

“Once we have Ebola, we will immediately pass it to our African partners. Then they will ultimately be responsible for dealing with the aftermath. Any suggestions to the contrary are simply false.”

At press time, the president had left the press conference to make his tee-time, leaving Gen. Martin Dempsey at the podium wearing a full-body HAZMAT suit to reaffirm the military’s support for the upcoming mission and to field any additional questions.

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Chun Jiang
Guest

Despite how I know this is a satirical site, I still had to fact check it to make sure Obama actually didn’t do it. You know, just to make sure…

Brandon Bowers
Guest

No need to deploy, they can catch it here in Dallas. First case confirmed.

Lance Davidson
Guest

why are we putting our Soldiers in Africa to look for Ebola, when the Enterovirus is still running amok in the United States? We need our Soldiers back home to attempt to catch the Enterovirus first!

Daniel Wood
Guest

I love the illogic – We are sending troops in to provide a local solution to a local problem. Totally consistant with El Presidente’s speeches.

Lydia Davey
Guest

Great for the lulz this morning

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