The following is an op-ed written by Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hello, all service members everywhere! I am writing to you today not just for myself but also on behalf of the President, the Secretary of Defense, and all of the United States Government. I have one simple message for you. Bottom line up front: Stop the incessant calm mongering about the impending Ebola apocalypse.
It’s time to get good and fucking insanely terrified.
Now, I know you may be skeptical. After all, I’m the guy who, just last month, was saying that ISIL was the biggest threat ever faced by mankind, to include comets and the Sun exploding.
Secretary Hagel just last week gave a whole dog-and-pony show to an international committee wherein he said that “global warming” would be the biggest security threat to the human race.
And after the Fort Hood shooting, my predecessor Gen. Casey said that the greatest threat to the human race was intolerance and a lack of diversity.
There are deceptive jerks on the other side of this as well, who say that fear is not a rational response. Naysaying opinion-based “news” outlets are, counterintuitively, advising citizens to remain calm and not panic.
But all of that pales in comparison — really doesn’t hold a candle to — the sheer unutterable blight which will be visited upon us all by the virus, or bacteria, or prion, whatever it is, known as Ebola.
I don’t know much about it, but after Googling it for several minutes, I know enough. On Fox News, I read an article about how deadly the disease is and how the president is a secret Muslim. On Buzzfeed, I found a very informative listicle with pictures of Ebola mortalities, in addition to the “ten best female athlete nip slips.” The New York Times had a great 20,000 word investigative piece about how Ebola was cooked up in the clandestine bio-lab underneath George Bush’s Texas ranch in order to kill black people. And BBC had another great piece which would have been very informative if it weren’t written in British.
So now I know, and communicate to you with full faith and fidelity the following guidance: Panic your fucking balls and/or clits off.
We have no plan, no countermeasures, and if The Walking Dead is any indication, our only hope is a backwards racist redneck with a sleeveless shirt and a crossbow. That’s no way to fight a war. That guy doesn’t even keep his hair in regs, and probably hasn’t taken an APFT in, like, ever. In ever.
There is no way to screen for the infected, no way to treat the ones who become ill, and no plan to develop a vaccine. Sure, some private companies like Johnson & Johnson are “working on” a cure, but they’re not military, so they have nothing like the merit-based zero defect command structure we do. The private sector has never been good at disaster relief, after all.
So the bottom line? What does the Chief want you to do?
Tomorrow I will formally present what I call “Plan ELMOE.” That acronym stands for “Everyone is the Last Man On Earth.” And I will call on all of you to carry out this plan, each in your own individual ways. This plan is tailorable, scalable and will allow for the full implementation of Mission Command. In short, everyone can do it, in every situation you may find yourself in, out in the post-apocalyptic wasteland to which Ebola will reduce us.
Do you tend toward hoarding? Then go out and secure those canned goods and bottles of water. Are you a hunter? Go hunt us up some good food. Do you love raping people? Get out there and safeguard that sweet, sweet poon, because it will be used as currency in the coming post-Ebola world order.
So there is something that everybody can do to add to the general mayhem and chaos into which we should all descend immediately.
And there is one more thing you can do — today, right now, wherever you are.
Spread the word: Ebola will be the absolute worst thing to ever happen to planet Earth. If you are not rendered completely insane from mindless panic over the disease, then you are an anti-social shitbag. And also probably a little light in the loafers.
Tell everyone you know. Together, we can successfully lose our fucking minds over this newest, and biggest threat ever.