WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just one week after the Secret Service failed to stop a man from jumping the fence and entering the White House, lawmakers are moving forward with a plan to secure 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with elite contractors from Uganda, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Bringing in Ugandan contractors will really tighten up security at the White House,” Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, told reporters. “Have you ever tried to get through a Ugandan guarding a dining facility overseas without showing so much as a proper ID? You’ll go hungry that day, guaranteed.”
Desperate to escape the poverty and unemployment in their native home, Ugandans have successfully served in security contract roles throughout the Middle East. Over the past decade they have developed a reputation as one of the best security forces in the modern world.
With this latest embarrassing incident surrounding the Secret Service, lawmakers feel employing Ugandan watch standers will provide more bang for their buck in shoring up any security issues at the White House.
“They’ll work for peanuts with little to no benefits, ” said Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif), the chairman of the House Oversight Committee. “No way they’ll be able to afford hookers and booze like the average Secret Service agent does.”
The decision stems from recent scrutiny of the agency’s security procedures after an Iraq War veteran scaled the fence on the northern side of the White House. The intruder was able to able to make it more than 100 yards before being tackled in the East Room. It was reported security officials were disappointed he was only carrying a 3 inch pocket knife commonly carried by anyone who has ever served in the armed forces in this century.
“He could have at least brought a dirty bomb or a death ray or something,” said one hungover Secret Service agent. “That’s the kind of story that would really make some panties drop.”