Marine Corps Announces Plan To Develop, Cancel New Amphibious Vehicle

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Marine Corps announced its plan to spend billions of dollars to research, develop, and build a new amphibious vehicle that will be canceled just before implementation, sources confirmed Thursday.

Dubbed the Amphibious Combat Vehicle (ACV), the new project is slated to be finished in 2020 and canceled in 2018. The ACV is meant to replace the current Amphibious Assault Vehicle  (AAV), known among Marines as Amtraks or “Floating Coffins,” which have been used for more than 40 years to take troops from ship to the bottom of the sea floor.

“We are really excited about the chance to upgrade our amphibious capabilities,” Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus said in a statement. “The ACV will be a great addition to our fleet so we’ll be sure to scrap it. In fact, the House Armed Services Committee has already asked me to waste as many tax dollars as possible before we cancel this project.”

“There is no reason we should replace the AAV,” Mabus added. “It’s like the Osprey, perfectly safe except for all the deaths.”

While saying that the ACV would be a grand addition to the Marine Corps arsenal, Commandant Gen. Joseph Dunford told reporters the program would likely be canceled soon after glaring flaws are revealed.

“The current plans say the ACV is will resist gunfire instead of bursting into flames,” Dunford said. “Also, it doesn’t direct the engine exhaust directly into the troop compartment. It doesn’t even have a switch that will flood the troop compartment, sink the vehicle, and drown everyone in seconds. A vehicle this good is unacceptable.”

Sources confirmed numerous vendors such as Lockheed Martin, BAE Systems, and General Dynamics are bidding on the ACV contract and are excited to make billions without doing anything. One source said the companies were ready to start the cost overruns as soon as possible.