White House Updates Relationship With Military To ‘It’s Complicated’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama updated the White House’s relationship with the Military to “it’s complicated” on Facebook yesterday.
Citing differences of opinion with top military leaders, the president told reporters he wanted to “see other security advisers” but he wasn’t prepared to completely sever his relationship with top military brass.
“I just feel like we’re growing apart,” President Obama told Duffel Blog. “I think we both know this has been building for awhile. We’ve had some good times. We’ve had some bad times. But with the election and stuff, I think it’s time we just take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship and our expectations of each other, while leaving the door open for the future.”
White House Spokesman Josh Earnest later clarified that the president and top brass would still “hook up” when the need arose. “Basically,” Earnest said, “the relationship still allows for a ‘boots call,’ if the president needs some.”
Top military leaders apparently had no idea this was coming. Adm. James A. Winnefeld, Jr., reportedly iMessaged the president, “Wait. What?! You asshole! You didn’t even have the balls to tell us in person?! I can’t believe you would do this over Facebook where everyone can see without talking to us first!!!!!!!!!!”
“(>_<),” he added.
Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel (@HagelParty) expressed his dismay via Twitter, “Typical. Glad HE knew this was building. I didn’t. #obummer #greyhairdontcare”
“Whatever. We’re better off without him anyway. Let him figure out what else is out there and realize what a good thing he lost,” wrote Gen. Martin E. Dempsey on his popular blog “General Quarters,” which is read by a total of six people, four of which are on his staff.
“You know he’s going to call us in the middle of the night when he’s drunk and ‘needs us so bad,'” Dempsey wrote. “That’s how he always is. Well maybe we don’t answer next time. And when he asks why, I’ll tell him, ‘It’s complicated. LOL.’ Let’s see how he likes that.”