SAN FRANCISCO — A heavily-armed team of right-wing terrorists carried out a complex attack on the offices of the left-leaning Mother Jones magazine, sources confirmed Wednesday morning.
The group of masked assailants arrived at the magazine’s front entrance in a bright yellow Ford Excursion, police officials said. Surveillance footage showed the truck bore several right-wing bumper stickers, including “Bush/Cheney 2004,” “nObama,” and the Gadsden Flag. The attackers exited the truck and immediately began firing at security personnel, who were quickly overwhelmed. Three of the men then entered the building, while the fourth stayed behind, ostensibly to guard the getaway vehicle.
Sources confirmed 12 employees were dead, including the magazine’s editor and head cartoonist. More than 30 were wounded, although there may still be additional casualties.
According to police, the attackers stalked from office to office, shooting randomly at workers and staff. While they fired, they yelled typical right-wing slogans such as “Palinu Akbar!” and “Die, Commies, Die!” Early analysis suggests that the assailants were angered over a cartoon in the last issue of Mother Jones depicting Sarah Palin happily being sodomized by the ghost of William F. Buckley.
The weapons carried by the terrorists appear to be fully-nuclear semi-automatic assault rifles, of the belt-fed revolver style, sources at the publication told reporters. These weapons can fire six million hollow-points, or “blank” bullets in layman’s terms, per second. The attackers left behind many empty magazines. At least one carried a 40-millimeter rocket-propelled grenade, which is also called a LAW by various Hollywood war movies.
The terrorists fired upon the innocent and unarmed journalists for nearly 20 minutes before seeking out several higher-level employees. These employees included the editor-in-chief and the cartoonist responsible for last month’s Palin cartoon, who witnesses said were called out by name.
The gunmen later exchanged fire with two responding police officers, who were wounded and unable to pursue the Excursion.
The group is still at large, having escaped pursuing police Priuses due to their enormous unfair horsepower advantage. An enormous five-state manhunt is under way, and all leading members of the GOP have been preemptively detained for questioning. Readers are asked to avoid confronting these dangerous individuals if sighted, and instead, should notify police.
Sources said the White House planned to make a statement shortly. This article will be updated as the situation develops.
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