WASHINGTON — United States and Russian Nuclear Forces went on high alert Thursday after New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski spiked the nuclear football during a ceremony on the South Lawn.

After the so-called “football”— actually a $14,000 Halliburton attache case — shattered, nuclear launch codes were strewn amongst the assembled reporters, well wishers and jock sniffers. Secret Service agents drunkenly stumbled about, retrieving them. Gronkowski, who along with his Patriot teammates was being honored for their recent Super Bowl victory, apologized to reporters, explaining, “Gronk do bad?”