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Out-Of-Standards NCO: ‘Female Rangers Will Be A Disgrace’

JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash. — The first class to allow female Soldiers at the elite US Army Ranger School will have its first female graduates soon, a major landmark in the military’s efforts towards equal opportunity for all service members. And according to Sgt. 1st Class Daniel Wilson, “It’s a total fucking disgrace.”

Squinting through bloodshot eyes still adjusting to the early morning lights of the office, Wilson, a fat, alcoholic NCO in one of the staff shops, let it be known to anyone within earshot that he “won’t tolerate this political shit.”

“Combat is no place for some bullshit social experimentation. It comes down to ability. Ain’t no split-tail out there can ruck up and get the job done,” said Wilson, still reeling from the effects of a massive hangover from the night before, and who has not rucked up himself in the past ten years.

A graduate of Ranger School, class of May 1998, Wilson served briefly in the 75th Ranger Regiment before being separated from the unit after multiple DUIs and a charge of domestic violence. He has reportedly since served in satisfactory fashion in various infantry and training units stateside.

“I’ve never seen a woman who could make it past the PT test,” said Wilson, who ran the five miles on the Ranger Physical Fitness Test in 1998 and has not run that far since.

Speaking under the condition of anonymity, a fellow Operations NCO says, “That guy is always coming in here and running his mouth about ‘Ranger this!’ and ‘Ranger that!’ It’s all about some bullshit he did 17 years ago. Newsflash: no one cares that you ate your toothpaste and shit in an MRE bag in the 90s.”

“The rest of us have been busy giving a shit about being combat leaders.”

Wilson, who has himself uttered the words “No One is More Professional Than I” on multiple occasions, then unleashed another verbose tirade against immigrants and minorities in the military that was “just between you and me.”

After returning from his personal car in the staff parking lot, where he choked down a pull of Jameson and a cigarette, Wilson meandered back to his desk, visibly winded from the effort.

“And don’t even get me started on all the gays we got around here.”

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