BASTROP, Texas — Following this week’s conspicuously quiet conclusion to the endlessly controversial “Jade Helm 15," many Americans in the Patriot Movement are now finding themselves asking an obvious question: “Well just what in the fuck am I going to do with all this velcro and shit?”

Sitting in the parking lot outside of “Remember the Alamo — And Great Deals, Gun Store LLC”, Nathan Gunderson takes stock of this summer’s now unnecessary tactical shopping spree. Strewn across the bed of his pickup truck are multiple assault rifles outfitted with a variety of night optics, lasers, and flashlights, none of which he has ever been trained to use. “I wanted to make sure those jack-booted thugs wouldn’t be takin’ us unawares,” said Gunderson, “but now I just have a shitload of jackboots, and nothing to boot them with.”

Gunderson then produced a number of edged weapons, including a serrated machete which he began to swing about in the parking lot. “I didn’t really even know why I bought this, it just seemed like the right thing to do," he said.