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Syrian Teen Builds Clock, Beheaded For Witchcraft

DAYR AL-ZAWR, Syria — Syrian teenager Sami Halaseh was beheaded for witchcraft yesterday after he built a clock and and brought it into his bomb-making school, according to The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights.

The 9th grader at former Ali Ibrahim Mohammad Secondary Madrasa was accused and convicted of creating a digital clock from a U.S. Meal Ready to Eat (MRE) box at his English-speaking jihadi academy, sources said.

Witnesses — who did not wish to be identified — claimed that that it was a simple but unfortunate misunderstanding after the “jihadi prodigy” brought a revolutionary new IED to school — an invention he called a “time-bomb.” Sources report that Halaseh had been working on it since the U.S. Air Force over-shot a Sinjar Mountain resupply drop by over 250 miles last year.

“They immediately reacted as if it were a clock,” one source said. “He just kept saying: ‘It’s not a clock. It’s a bomb!’ But they didn’t believe him.”

Instructors originally grew suspicious after Halaseh did not publicly denounce the “whiz-kid” title his classmates bestowed upon him in their “Basic IED” class. For his tacit usurpation of Allah’s rightful authority as “the one, true God,” instructors imprisoned Halaseh for his insolence. It was at the end of many torture sessions instructors finally analyzed the otherworldly device, and noticed numbers moving sequentially, when they assumed the worst.

“Even when they hung him from the ceiling and beat him with broomsticks, he was adamant that it was a bomb all the way until the end,” the source said.

The Islamic State, which beheaded four other heretics for witchcraft earlier this summer, officially stated that they will not tolerate any device that attempts to understand or quantify the will of Allah, even if it means measuring the span of events or periods between them.

“Unless it somehow furthers our interest of crushing the Zionist state of Israel or the Western devils of the United States, the Islamic State views all deviations from jihadism, whether of an artistic, technological, or scientific nature, as the highest form of apostasy,” said ISIS spokesman Jussain Al Zahabi. “We draw a literal and figurative line in the sand when it comes to individuals under ISIS rule ‘trying to play God.'”

“Except Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” said Al Zahabi. “He gets to do whatever he wants.”

In related news, Al-Baghdadi expressed his sincere condolences via Twitter after 35 ISIS fighters were killed in the jihadi teacher’s lounge when Halaseh’s clock detonated as scheduled.

Investigative reporter Dick Scuttlebutt contributed to this report.

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