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22 Ways to Be a Modern Military Man

The modern military man has not changed very much since the dawn of warfare. Sure, we have the F-35, ICBMs, and Blue Force Trackers, but men who engage in land warfare are still classically trained warriors who merely use technology as an improvisational tool.

For the modern military man, it is about complying with a code of honor; the etiquette of the “man-at-arms.” An unspoken — yet universally known — set of principles.

1. The modern military man knows just how far he can kick a severed head.

2. Unencumbered by inferior knives and cutting tools, the modern military man opens MREs with his erect penis.

3. Before going out on patrol, the modern military man loads his mags half-full, forcing him to use his Kevlar helmet to finish off his enemies.

4. The modern military man prefers single malt. But he’s not picky.

5. The modern military man doesn’t brag about threesomes. Both of them were fatties.

6. The modern military man has actually killed a baby seal. Maybe dozens.

7. Ever a student of history, the modern military man can quote from such literature as “Aliens” and “Full Metal Jacket.”

8. The modern military man can shoot a yak from 300 yards away with his rigid penis; 50 when flaccid. He is a grower, not a shower.

9. The modern military man doesn’t waste a JDAM. He knows a bullet will work just fine.

10. The modern military man is considerate and timely. When he writes back to elementary school children, he does so expeditiously and tells them in vivid detail about the horrors of war.

11. The modern military man still tips the hooker, even after he finds out she is a man.

12. The modern military man is a humanitarian representative of his government. He always checks the MRE for pork products before giving it to the prisoner chained to his bumper.

13. During coitus, the modern military man knows that finishing on his lady’s face isn’t degrading: It’s a compliment and very empowering.

14. The modern military man has seen fire and he’s seen rain. He has also made it rain fire.

15. For easier access, the modern military stows his “sand wife” with the MRE boxes in his vehicle.

16. The modern military man pisses on enemy dead, but only to avoid tracer fires.

17. The modern military man doesn’t mind a little collateral damage on the battlefield. Or in the bedroom.

18. When asked how many people he killed “over there,” the modern military man will only say he has a tattoo for each one. And if you are lucky, he will show you every single one of them.

19. The modern military man is a fatalist. He knows if he isn’t killed in action, throat cancer and cirrhosis aren’t far behind.

20. The modern military man is nurturing. He knows which hard liquor puts his child to sleep the fastest.

21. The modern military man knows what makes the green grass grow. And he waters it regularly.

22. The modern military man cries, but only when emerging from water in slow motion while hip-firing two M-60 machine guns. And he cries often.

Duffel Blog investigative journalists Maxx Butthurt, Dick Scuttlebutt, Jay, The Wolfman, and Epic Blunder contributed to this report, inspired by The New York Times.

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