WASHINGTON — White House spokesman Josh Earnest announced today that at President Obama's request, Congress has allocated an additional $176 billion dollars to the military budget for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to weaponize the thoughts and prayers which are routinely offered then discarded after tragedy and terrorism.

Earnest said the program reaffirms President Obama’s commitment to degrading, and ultimately defeating ISIS.

“It is really a brilliant concept,” notes Miles Chamberlain, program lead for the new Mk II "Wishful Thinking" Air Deliverable Engagement Device. “After a major terrorist event, the number one thing guaranteed to come out of western countries are thoughts and prayers. Millions of them. If we can find a way to use them tactically our military options would be limitless.”