FORT BENNING, Ga. – Despite demonstrating a commendable tolerance for chafed nipples, sources confirmed today that no one in the 3rd Ranger Battalion gives a shit about Lt. Col. Donovan Studebaker running a fucking marathon.
Studebaker, who assumed command last month, admitted that the deafening indifference towards his locomotive prowess was a bit of a shock.
“At first I assumed everyone misheard me and thought I was talking about a Netflix marathon,” the colonel said. “Then I realized nobody cared. At all.”
Indeed, independent surveys conducted at the command revealed that general concern regarding Studebaker’s bipedal accomplishments ranked dead last, beneath even “Caitlin Jenner” and “Cecil the Lion.”
“Listen, real talk,” said Staff Sgt. Brody Hammer. “We’re in the business of shooting people in the goddamn face, not in the business of being fucking Kenyan.”
Even Studebaker’s KIA Soul, which proudly boasts of his racing milestones whenever he isn’t talking about them himself, has become something of a running joke in the battalion. The rodent-like transport, already ridiculed behind the commander’s back for its impractical design and horrible advertising campaign, has two bumper stickers reading “13.1” and “26.2,” in addition to a license plate frame that says, “I’d Rather Be Running,” which in turn holds the vanity plate, “RN4STRN.”
“Yeah, I’d rather be running – TRAIN!” jeered Sgt. Moose Claymore, prompting a chorus of oh snaps! and yea bois! from fellow Rangers.
The jab appeared to be lost on Studebaker.
“If I wanted to lose gains, I’d go for a run,” added Hammer, throwing in a lip of Tobaccosplode©. “I ain’t about losing no gains.”
At press time, a disconcerted Studebaker had assembled the battalion for a ten-kilometer formation run to build morale.
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